Another night without sleep, worked up about work (while getting remarkably little of it actually done). Instead of blasting through student assignments by copy-pasting blurbs and throwing out empty grades, I average about 400-500 words of comments per assignment. And I have 90 students, and am way behind. When I'm done with that, in the early morning, attempting to sleep only gets me worked up about non-work and various stuff that's been bugging my mind over the last few weeks. To wind myself down, I watch my all-time favourite film, Tarkovsky's "Stalker", all 3 hours of it. It calms me, but also reminds me of several of the big problems I keep coming back to. I've had too many a situation and too many a conversation lately where I felt like the titular character (who, contrary to his name, has nothing to do with stalking anyone) struggling to explain himself and his motivations to those around him, and always being misread. It's not depressing at all, but it's one of those, "if only I could actually explain this to others... if only people would listen..." things. In my personal and professional life, I'm full of ideas/ideals and things to share. But I keep running into communication problems. Ironic, since I'm supposed to be a communication teacher - or maybe not ironic at all, because that makes me hyper-aware of all these problems and gets me worked up in a way it wouldn't get to most people.
Getting up to go to work after this sleepless night, I put on my pants and then promptly pass out on my bed, waking up after my class was supposed to start. Thanks to the awesome students and colleagues I have, the day was saved and when I rushed to school almost an hour late, I found my students in possession of all the handouts, working neatly in groups. This was great, but now my mind is still kind of shot. I could barely articulate myself while ordering food, so trying to give intelligent feedback on student papers is kind of off the books until I get more rest.
Sure hope the next couple of days go a little better for me. I can't keep doing this lack of sleep thing to myself, whatever the reasons for it D:
Recently I’ve been haunting myself.
The shocking thing is how easy it is to disappear if you really want to.
I wonder for the millionth time how long it will be before anyone misses me.