So I herd u liek monkeys.

[Orwell]

I Like Monkeys



The pet store was selling them for 5¢ a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200.

I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.

Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell really bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.

The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates.

So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys

[guy07]

so then the doctor said ...?

[CodeZTM]

no more monkies jumping on the bed.

[Kitsuner]

so then the doctor said ...?

He said yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
All you need, all you really need: good lovin'
Because you got to have lovin' (good lovin')
Everybody got to have lovin' (good lovin')
A little good lovin' now baby, good lovin'.

So come on baby, squeeze me tight
Don't you want your daddy to be alright?
I said baby, now it's for sure,
I've got the fever, you got the cure.

He said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"
All you need, all you really need: good lovin'
Because you got to have lovin' (good lovin')
Everybody got to have lovin' (good lovin')
A little good lovin' now baby, good lovin'.

Hey, got to have lovin' (good lovin')
Well, you got to have lovin' (good lovin')
Come on now and give me good lovin' (good lovin').

Well, I was feelin' sort of bad now,
Asked my family doctor 'bout what I had,
I said, "Doctor, Doctor, mister M.D.,
Can you tell me, what's ailing me?"

He said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"
All you need, all you really need: good lovin'
Hey, now you got to have lovin' (good lovin')
Everybody got to have lovin' (good lovin')
Give me, give me, give me some lovin' (good lovin').

Come on now, everybody get right, (got to have lovin)
You may be weak or you may be blind (got to have lovin')
But even a blind man knows when the sun is shining (got to have lovin')
So turn it on now (got to have lovin')
Turn on, turn on your light (got to have lovin').

Gimme, gimme, gimme some lovin' (good lovin')
Hey, now you got to have lovin' (good lovin')
You need it, I need it, well you got to have lovin' (good lovin')
Say it again now, good lovin'.

Well turn on your light, you won't regret it (good lovin')
You got to go for the good and get it (good lovin')
Everybody, they got to have lovin' (good lovin')
Hey, now you got to have lovin'.

[Copycat_Revolver]

That's strange, I distinctly remember the doctor saying, "ooh ee ooh ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang."
Oh, and that I had malaria.

[guy07]

That's strange, I distinctly remember the doctor saying, "ooh ee ooh ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang."
Oh, and that I had malaria.

You will be missed. RIP