The intro to one of my projects.

[KhayotiK]

Tell me what you think so far. I don't have that much done, I started this like two to three days ago and have been strapped for time as it is. I'm still tinkering with the title. Anyway, here it goes:


1.

With no ties to the Earth, I began to float up. My body was gone but I still lived on, I might have been dead. I wasn't completely sure on that, nor did it really matter, the focus of my thoughts lie elsewhere. I had a human form and could use all of my senses, but it was different, the essentials of life were no longer necessary. Knowing this as I floated away from our home rock, I thought of touching the moon, it seemed so close. As it drifted I realized the thoughts of my human life were fleeing from me with every inch closer I got to the ivory satellite. As I watched it grow closer to me I began to feel something from the white object, a kind of excitement or something filling me.. Within the span of an hour I had come close enough to see with great detail the mountainous formations and craters that embodied the Moon. Not only that but the feeling became more definite, more profound.

As I came close enough for gravity to take effect, I fell onto the surface with a crash that I thought for sure I would be my end, so I turned my back to my demise. Instead, as I hit, the surface acted as if I had jumped into a big pile of feathers. I watched as specks of white dust floated away from me, and I realized that the feeling I had been feeling was pure love. I layed there, wide eyed, feeling the love of a boy, dumbfounded by the beauty of a night sky more clear than anything anybody had ever seen the way I was seeing it now. I could think, I know this now, but I had no inclination to do anything, so I layed there for what seemed an eternity, but I knew it hadn't been once I was yanked from the astral object into the dark oblivion of space. It seemed that an invisible hand grabbed my body from Nirvana and flung me out of a sling shot, for instantly I was glimpsing the Moon every half second or so as my spining body began to grow closer to Earth's neighbor. Mars.



2.


I was able to steady myself from the spin I was in, although not much after gettting out of it did I wish I couldn't see what I was heading for. The closer I came the more horrified I became of being in such a place. It seemed that I crept up upon the red eye, I was able to memorize everything within my plane of vision. The planet was covered by sand, a red desert it seemed, with an inconsistant wind that would seemingly switch directions at random. The only signs of life was a metropolis, a large city with city streets matching the color of the rest of the planet, benches, street lights, all uniform in color. The gigantic towers were made of the same sand that plagued the entire surface of the planet, they themselves were old and decreped, the marks of erosion had taken their toll on the crumbling rooftops, cracked walls, and lack of windows.. Their marks of decadence horrified me in themselves, I could tell that no human could live in such a place, were there even air for them to breathe as the buildings probably provided no safety from the storms that undoubtedly were making a bellowing howl I couldn't yet hear.

There were no people, it seemed, nor did it seem that there were any who ever lived there. It was a city ten times the size of New York, yet I was certain that not a soul had ever been there. And at that conclusion I landed upon the surface. Unlike the predecessing stellar object I had landed on, my fall was not greeted with comfort. I forgot to turn away this time, and landed with a smack that I thought had killed me. It was obvious I could still feel pain as I thought of myself as a hunk of dough being smacked against a table and being flattened by the sheer force. I stood up, and attempted to dust myself off, this is when I realized I was wearing clothes. Whether I had chosen this outfit out myself I had not known, but it bugged me that I couldn't get the red dust from my brown pants and matching shirt. It even flustered me a bit until I gave up on it. I still felt annoyed by it though, it seemed to pick at the back of my mind while I tried aimlessly to get out of the city. The sounds of the winds through the buildings sounded like being inside of a wind chime. A feeling that also made my eyes go wide with awe, but also with a fear.This sensation reminded me of being in a Catholic church and having the sound of Latin hymns surrounding you and filling you with their audio vibrations down to the marrow of your bones, if you've ever felt that then you know a lighter, more positive version of the sound that these winds make. They horrified me as they surrounded me, for I wasn't sure which direction they really came from. It was hard to move, I tried to shield myself from the coming sands in the wind, so I couldn't see that well. As I passed by the buildings I had to at least try and squint to look for any forms of life in this lost city. I saw nothing but what I had expected, emptiness. I noticed something as I went on, though, that bothered me. The buildings and roads were uniform, they were decomposing in different places, but they were the same structures. Building after building followed a pattern, it made me feel dumb with wonder. I felt like a boy again, wondering why nothing ever changes in the story books, wondering what goes beyond the page. I continued to try and exit the city, never changing direction or venturing down a different street. Logic, as it seemed, told me to press on and eventually I'd reach the edge of the city. As I pressed on, though, it became more and more apparent to me that there was a good possibility that it wouldn't end. It seemed that I had passed more buildings than I had origionally seen coming down. I picked up my pace, trying to look for variations or signs of hope that the end of the city was close at hand, but even looking down the street, all I could see were more buildings.
When I finally decided to stop, I decided to try looking in the buildings. I turned to the nearest building to me, which was a rather short one in comparison to the others in the pattern. It was eight stories tall, and had about six windows across. One thing that the buildings all shared was that they were all (at least origionally) very square, being as there were no variations or style in the buildings almost whatsoever. They took on a very box-like shape, and even where the door frames were, it was merely a rectangular cut into the building directly where the second window from the left would be on the bottom floor. There were no patios or extentions to the outside of the buildings, just one door.


This is where I left off as of last night. Any thoughts would be nice on the general story or sentence structure. Try to stray from critiquing my punctuation, it's a rough draft and I'm aware of most mistakes. That's not my main concern.

[Moonlight Soldier]

Sounds rather cool so far. An interesting narrative, though for sure I switch around some of your sentence structure(like when you're editing try to vary the length etc etc). Maybe at the beginning when you're describing floating to the stellar objects and stating the character's opinions; why try more of a "stream of consciousness approach" to try to appeal more to the senses. You've used some interesting concrete images while describing, that's good, but I'd definately try to edit the narrative perspective. And hopefully when you write more you'll eloborate more with where you're going with this.

Cool nonetheless though. Happy editing!

[KhayotiK]

Ah yes, the who sceme of this thing is a spiritual trip after this select person dies, and is a journey revealing each of the planets as almost direct representations of emotions. The moon being love, Mars being anger, frustration, and solitude, etc. It's more or less a very unrealistic project as far as gravity and physics are concerned, but that's not what it's about anyway.

The character will eventually realize he's dead at the climax, then he will become a free spirit and travel back to the moon. The reader's probably not going to understand anymore than this figure (who will never have a name) will throughout the novel. All will be revealed in time though.

[Moonlight Soldier]

That's an interesting concept.