Amuse me

[Orwell]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood - big, stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ...NO PUBLIC TOILETS! He really, really had to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finally finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie . "Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby, "That was really decent of you ... is that what you call "British hospitality?"
"No sir," the Bobby replied. "It's what we call 'The French Embassy'."

[Ileia]

A customer came into my former place of employment, seconds before we were closing for the night, demanding to use the restroom. We were part of a university, and they'd already closed their public restrooms for the night, so I relayed this to the customer.

"That's outrageous! Where are you gonna pee?"

"I can use the employee restroom, but it's in an area that's restricted from customer access."

"Don't you think it's kind of rude that you have a bathroom for yourself, but not for your customers?"

"Don't you think it's kind of rude that you asked me where I pee?"

She did a 180 and marched out.

[godix]

There's a place called CWTC in my town. It's where the retards work making lightbulbs or seperate plastic forks or whatever it is retards do. Awhile ago when I was a computer tech, I was there on a call. I had to use the restroom so I'm standing there doing what I needed to do. One of the retards comes in and takes the urinal next to me. He stands a couple feet back then starts swaying back and forth to some tune that only he can hear. While he's pissing. So there's this stream of piss flying out a couple feet and hitting the wall like he's trying to draw an infinity sign with it or something. Of course I jumped back to avoid this, but even so some of it hit my shoe. I generally keep my comments to myself when I'm working, but in this case it just slipped out. "God damnit, you pissed on my shoe. How fucking stupid are you? Oh, wait...."

I actually felt a bit guilty for saying that to him. But still, a fucking retard pissed on my shoe. From then on, whenever I had to go work on their computers again, I made sure I stopped by the walmart next door to use the restroom first.

[8bit_samurai]

Three hunters were on their way back from a successful hunt. They were crossing a stream and two of them had to use the bathroom, so they decided to take a break. The third started walking downstream to pass the time as the other two relieved themselves into the stream. As the hunter got far enough out of sight of the other two, he noticed someone filling up their canteen downstream and, in his native tongue, he warned the stranger not to. The stranger looked up confused asking the hunter if he spoke English. The hunter, realizing he was a white man, replied, "Fill up your canteen well and enjoy the fresh water spring, my friend."

[downwithpants]

whenever a place doesn't let me use their bathrooms, i pee on their wall outside.

[Ileia]

whenever a place doesn't let me use their bathrooms, i pee on their wall outside.

Yeah, have fun with that in downtown Chicago. We were one of the few places with a restroom in our area. Almost every business has a big bold "NO RESTROOMS" sign. It was the university's or McDonald's, and they were closed too.

[Knowname]