I'm stuffed

[godix]

Tonight I came up with a new business idea. Our cemetaries are filling up and a lot of people don't like the thought of cremation. Plus with cremation a lot of times the grieving relatives go to some pretty countryside area and scatter the ashes to the wind. Which has got to suck for those who actually live in the pretty countryside. I mean there you are, sitting on your porch enjoying the beautiful view when you're suddenly coated with the ashes of some dead bastard you don't even know. If the dead guy was a fat fuck, and in America most are, there can be several pounds of ashes left. Imagine being hit in the face with several pounds of dead fat fucker. The dead bastard was probably a city boy, when he was alive he probably never once visited the country. Told a lot of redneck jokes about those who do live in the country, but he never visited it. There's no Starbucks on top of an Appalachian Mountain. But let the cocksucker die and suddenly it's oh so vital his dry dusty remains get spread all over the poor hicks backyard. Can't even hang up laundry to dry on the line in the breeze without some damned banker or something who croaked and got fried ending up in your whites. Who wants to wear underwear that has dead dust in it. That stuff can chafe your balls ya know. So we need a alternative method of body disposal. One that is less likely to annoy hillbillies. If you want to know why we should care about hillbillies being annoyed, just keep in mind that they own shotguns. Good enough reason for me.

I think I have the answer. Taxidermy. It works for animals and it can work for your loved one. Now I know what you're thinking, where will I put grandma? She's kinda big, she'd just take up space. Much like when she was alive. Fear not, here's where my idea shines. What you do is after the dead person is stuffed, you give them a good coat of shellac to weatherproof their carcass. Once you do that, toss out one of the pink flamingo's in your front yard and put grandma in it's place. It'll be like a life sized garden gnome. You could put the funny pointy hat on them. If they liked fishing, go ahead and put the fishing pole in their hands. It's solve the disposing of the corpse problem, it'd revitalize the taxidermy industry, and it's be a whole new fad for those tasteless neighbors of yours to enjoy. You know, the type of neighbor who every year for Christmas puts out fake reindeer mounting each other.

We can take this idea even further though, and this is where I create an entire new industry. Take the dead stuffed shellaced corpses and turn them into fountains. Put a suction pump in their stomach, drill a hole in the foot, run some tubs from their foot to their mouth. Put them in middle of a swimming pool and you got one of those statues that spits water from their mouth (for a minor extra fee, a device to insert red food coloring can be inserted in her head so it looks like she's spewing blood). Since the hole is in their foot and the the pump in their stomach, there's nothing showing externally. Which means you could strip them, put a bow in their hands, and tape a couple wings on their back. Walla! A cherub fountain. Imagine centuries from now. Grandma won't be a long forgotten ancestor. Instead she'll still be there adding value and ambiance to the estate. She'll be a conversation piece. People will still know her name. You would be giving grandma immortality.

[Kionon]

And you say you can't write. This is an outstanding piece of satire.

[8bit_samurai]

Instead of taxidermy, why not plastination? Grandma would look more realistic, and probably would make a good Halloween prop or something. I think a wife or girlfriend would make a better cherub fountain. Grandma or any other female relative would be too creepy. But then again she would be your kids' kids' grandma...

This also kinda reminds me of a pictures for sad children comic, except a lil more... Intuitive, I guess <_<

[Kitsuner]

I was planning on going animatronic.

[Garylisk]

Brilliant!

[CodeZTM]

I plan on being cremated. My grandfather works in a funeral home, and caskets are ridiculously expensive. I'd rather just have a nice jar that's thrown into the ocean or something.

[Knowname]

I'm gonna be eaten by dinosaurs. How? I don't know. but I won't let them take me till they can feed me to a dinosaur.

[downwithpants]

after reading the title and the first paragraph, i figured you were gonna suggest we eat the deceased. which kinda kills two birds with one stone.

[godix]

after reading the title and the first paragraph, i figured you were gonna suggest we eat the deceased. which kinda kills two birds with one stone.

Going straight from society as it is now to eating people is a big step and most people would probably rebel at the idea. So baby steps. First get people to go from thinking of them as deceased loved ones to home furnishings. Next regulate fast food industries and force them to use dead people fat instead of partial hydrogenated oil (It's healthy and it's recycling). Then move to outright eating people burgers. Which begs of the question of white meat or dark, but that's a debate for another day.

[Knowname]

Too many diseases involved in cannibalism. It's not worth any more of our time. GODIX! PUT THAT COLON DOWN!!