Beo's Guide To Men (SEX SEX SEX)

[Beowulf]

Me being a heterosexual man, this thread will be slightly different than my ladies thread, because I'm in here too. This thread is a series of blanket statements and rules that ladies would do well to heed for happier lives.

RULE #1: Please don't get mad when your man looks at other women. Theres so many beautiful women in the world, we just can't help it. Trust us, its just a passing thing, its not a big deal. Its not indicative of anything, and its not a value judgment. We love you forever and ever, but sometimes its ju-"DAMN LOOK AT THOSE TITS JESUS CHRIST".

RULE #2: If your man isn't calling you at least once every 24 hours, be weary. Either he is up to no good, or he doesn't think he's "your man".

RULE #3: After a long day of working, I don't know if there is anything worse than coming home to an angry woman. We take a lot of shit during the day when we are out there doing our thing, and 99% of it we NEVER tell you about because it would be a pointless burden. Please welcome us. We know there are other things happening, but can we just eat first or something? A backrub is worth its weight in platinum at this point. Making your man feel welcomed when he comes home will make him yours forever. We need support too, especially after 10 hours of stress.

RULE #4: As a man, when I hear my woman telling me about a problem she is having, my immediate reaction is to solve that problem. If there is a problem and I have a solution, what is the dilemma? Let me take care of it baby. In probably the oldest Venus Vs Mars example, women often just want to be listened too and understood, and don't really want you to DO anything about it. To the male brain, this is a divide by 0 error. It makes no sense. We try our best to do it anyway, but when you nag to us about "the issue", and then get annoyed when we try to solve it, it gets old. Ladies, if you want to vent or blow off steam, talk to your girlfriends, not your man. Come to us when you want something done.

RULE #5: Every man loves a good blowjob. *gasp* Ask your man how he likes it. This is VERY important, because a man will NEVER complain about a bad blowjob, but deep down, you won't be satisfying him. Ask questions, get specific, trust me its a win/win. Same goes for how you like it.

RULE #6: Books and books have been written about sex. Its something you could study your entire life and still know nothing about when you die. I'll just say one thing. The key to good sex is try to please your partner as much as you possibly can. This seems obvious, and it is. If you do everything you can to please your partner, SO WILL THEY. This is about being present to the moment and staying in communication with one another. Men often zone out during sex and focus on themselves (it just feels so GOOD). If your man is "going there", switch positions. Gently remind him to give it to you how you want.

RULE #7: If your a young woman having sex with young men, we cum to fast. There is a lot a man can do to combat this problem, but this section is on what YOU can do. Ladies, you know that tingly warm feeling you get down there right before you cum? Thats energy. Its a big ball of sexual energy that is accumulating in both our crotches. MOVE that energy around. If this sounds like witchcraft, your pretty close. Just imagine that energy moving around your entire body. Bottom of your toes to the top of your head. Don't let it accumulate in your crotch, because when it does, we pop off like a zit. If you and your partner move that energy around, he will last longer, and the orgasm will be better and fuller.

RULE #8: If your having sex with the same person for an extended period of time, there will be times when the dreaded "boring sex" happens. Both of you know what to do, have the script memorized, and are doing a particularly dull line-reading. When this happens, don't panic. you're not getting old, he still loves you. Just start having sex in different places. For us men this is particularly exciting because it plays to our basic "spread the seed everywhere and anywhere" brain. On the couch, on the floor, on the dinning table, on the island in the kitchen, in the bathtub with the shower on, in the computer chair, etc.

RULE #9: If your man isn't making you cum, try doggystyle. Theres a reason Snoop Dog prefers this position, because it WORKS. If that doesn't work, get another man. Don't have kids with someone who doesn't get you off, EVER.

RULE #10: Don't be the over-protective girlfriend. We've all seen those college movies where the dude is out with his guy friends and they are getting hammered and debaucherous, and here calls MEGA BITCH girlfriend who wants to know where he is, what he's doing, who he's with, when he'll be home. We HATE this. If you trust us, then trust us. Yes we are getting drunk with people you've never met, no we aren't going to stick our dick in anything on the way home, yes we are coming home, let us have a good time, we love you.

[guy07]

RULE #2: If your man isn't calling you at least once every 24 hours, be weary. Either he is up to no good, or he doesn't think he's "your man".

OR he's not worrying about you because he trusts you, and doesn't feel the need to check up on you all the time. There's a ton of reasons he won't call you everyday. I'm not a big fan of talking on the phone, and i'm not really a clingy person, so I don't call my gf everyday. I'll txt her and let her know what's up, but we don't talk on the phone everyday.

RULE #7: If your a young woman having sex with young men, we cum to fast.

I don't think this is a problem all of us experience ... talk to your doctor for more information.

[Beowulf]

Texting is a viable alternative to calling, forgot about technology for a second.

And rofl, don't make this about me.

[CodeZTM]

Rule #10: For. The. Fucking. Win.

[Kionon]

RULE #4: As a man, when I hear my woman telling me about a problem she is having, my immediate reaction is to solve that problem. If there is a problem and I have a solution, what is the dilemma? Let me take care of it baby. In probably the oldest Venus Vs Mars example, women often just want to be listened too and understood, and don't really want you to DO anything about it. To the male brain, this is a divide by 0 error. It makes no sense. We try our best to do it anyway, but when you nag to us about "the issue", and then get annoyed when we try to solve it, it gets old. Ladies, if you want to vent or blow off steam, talk to your girlfriends, not your man. Come to us when you want something done.

This.

Unfortunately, Beo, women have a pathologic need to do this. To everyone that will listen. I am not immune and it drives my male friends totally bonkers when I do it. "Well why the hell did you tell me?" "I just wanted to bitch/vent." "But you do it ALL the time!" "Yeah. And that's why GID sucks. I don't like it either." "Dude, at least I'm getting sex from my girlfriend." "Okay... coworker line crossed. Bye."

[BasharOfTheAges]

RULE #4: As a man, when I hear my woman telling me about a problem she is having, my immediate reaction is to solve that problem. If there is a problem and I have a solution, what is the dilemma? Let me take care of it baby. In probably the oldest Venus Vs Mars example, women often just want to be listened too and understood, and don't really want you to DO anything about it. To the male brain, this is a divide by 0 error. It makes no sense. We try our best to do it anyway, but when you nag to us about "the issue", and then get annoyed when we try to solve it, it gets old. Ladies, if you want to vent or blow off steam, talk to your girlfriends, not your man. Come to us when you want something done.

This.

Unfortunately, Beo, women have a pathologic need to do this. To everyone that will listen. I am not immune and it drives my male friends totally bonkers when I do it. "Well why the hell did you tell me?" "I just wanted to bitch/vent." "But you do it ALL the time!" "Yeah. And that's why GID sucks. I don't like it either." "Dude, at least I'm getting sex from my girlfriend." "Okay... coworker line crossed. Bye."

Hell, I bitch about things all the time. Though, that's out of a love for psudo-self-deprecating situational comedy.

[CodeZTM]

Hell, I bitch about things all the time. Though, that's out of a love for psudo-self-deprecating situational comedy.

This.

That or I go to the Vent thread or my journal. [AKA: I'm pathetic.]

[guy07]

my journal.

.... I'm sorry. That was rude.

[CodeZTM]

my journal.

.... I'm sorry. That was rude.

Nah it's alright. Did you not read the

[AKA: I'm pathetic.]

I realize I'm a fucking wuss. But its a lot cheaper than punching holes in walls and getting them patched.

[Kitsuner]

I realize I'm a fucking wuss. But its a lot cheaper than punching holes in walls and getting them patched.

Don't patch the holes you punch walls. Leave them as warnings to other people. >:O