Internet Community Seeks Federal Bailout

[Orwell]

WASHINGTON (AP)- The list of organizations seeking Federal relief lengthened Monday when executives in the trolling industry met before the Treasury board to request $23 billion in emergency funds. Sources inside the department report that the meeting included discussion of disbursement timelines, degree of official financial oversight and measures to ensure equitable division among the Web-based, IRC and Usenet factions, commonly referred to as the Big Three. Worker reaction to the plan has been varied, but the response was unanimous when identifying the source of the problem.

"It's the economy," said Cliff Yablonski, Naval retiree and practicing troll. "People are too concerned with genuine problems to become enraged at our offensive opinions and vulgar imagery. A furry couple I was harrassing yesterday told me that they were going to lose their house. That's rough, man. I hope they find a place to stay. After which, of course, they should yiff in hell."

Lobbyists pressing for the bailout are optimistic because fears exist that state inaction could have far-reaching consequences. The danger of a so-called 'ripple effect' has been promoted by respected industry watchers including forums analyst Leonard J. Crabs:

"If the government doesn't step in, the resulting collapse could destabilize the entire Internet. Regions such as Youtube depend on troll output for over 70% of their gross daily posts. Without that productivity, GDP will drop below the level needed to sustain an active community and the site will fail. Refugees from failed sites will place tremendous pressure on the servers of other, nearby domains, bringing them down in turn and creating a cascade of increasingly numerous and desperate homeless netizens. I don't feel it's an exaggeration to say that the scope of the turmoil could rival the worst years of the Dust Bowl."

Not everyone shares the prognosis of doom should Secretary Paulson decline the bailout, however.

According to journeyman troll J. Olmstead, "We've weathered worse. Federal dollars just means Federal interference in the constitutionally-protected free market of expression. Our industry survived the dot com bust, the invasion of Japanese anonymous forums and the marriage of Lowtax to someone who'll put up with his foot obsession. It doesn't matter anyway," Olmstead said, glumly hitting enter to submit a profanity-laced Fark post. "The government knows that they can get away with letting us sink. People worry about auto workers and bankers' kids, but no one ever thinks about feeding the trolls."

[godix]

When do I get my check?

[The Origonal Head Hunter]

Average cost for a 'Yiff in Hell': 28 dollars.
Average cost for a TF2 micspam of Rickroll: 45 dollars.
Average cost of a 10 year old in the backseat of my van: priceless.
Average cost for a hammer in the U.S. Army: 200 dollars.

I don't think we need the bailout as much.