My very cynical poem.

Lyrs · Post by **Lyrs** » Thu Nov 06, 2003 11:42 pm

OMG! You two should have sex.

fyrtenheimer · Post by **fyrtenheimer** » Thu Nov 06, 2003 11:56 pm

YEAH WE SHOULD, HUH.

downwithpants · Post by **downwithpants** » Fri Nov 07, 2003 12:36 am

the poem's not bad.

it just gets repetitive though. perhaps if you move your better verses to the end it'd be a better read.

She does not seem
And does not squint
And does not flare
And does not hint.

this seems to be your weakest verse. in all your other verses, the actions of the subject are related(ex: see-hear, pick-choose), but in this one, they don't seem to be.

fyrtenheimer · Post by **fyrtenheimer** » Fri Nov 07, 2003 12:39 am

that's because they're not.

angelx03 · Post by **angelx03** » Fri Nov 07, 2003 12:46 am

downwithpants wrote:the poem's not bad.

it just gets repetitive though. perhaps if you move your better verses to the end it'd be a better read.

She does not seem
And does not squint
And does not flare
And does not hint.
this seems to be your weakest verse. in all your other verses, the actions of the subject are related(ex: see-hear, pick-choose), but in this one, they don't seem to be.

Adding on, the poem has pretty decent meter.

Flint the Dwarf · Post by **Flint the Dwarf** » Fri Nov 07, 2003 12:49 am

Meter's pretty easy when all you use are one-syllable words.

Oh wait, she had one two-syllable word.

Trident · Post by **Trident** » Fri Nov 07, 2003 6:03 pm

Hmm... interesting for a first draft... it doesn't seem like you ever give the girl a specific personality though. Maybe you could talk about what she does do...

Azyne · Post by **Azyne** » Fri Nov 07, 2003 6:42 pm

flint_the_dwarf wrote:Meter's pretty easy when all you use are one-syllable words.

Oh wait, she had one two-syllable word.

That was sort of the point. A who poem of one-syllabled words...sounds better when read...English major, huh?

Downwithpants, thanks for the advice. Yeah, I agree that that verse didn't relate much nor make so much sense. I'll have to change it.

OMG! You two should have sex.

I can't find my cute barfy emoticon

....

Flint the Dwarf · Post by **Flint the Dwarf** » Fri Nov 07, 2003 8:26 pm

Azyne wrote:
flint_the_dwarf wrote:Meter's pretty easy when all you use are one-syllable words.

Oh wait, she had one two-syllable word.
That was sort of the point. A who poem of one-syllabled words...sounds better when read...English major, huh?

Anyone can do poetry with one-syllable words. My little brother could pull of something as simple as that. And one-syllable words don't mean the poetry is bad, it takes a real poet to make a great poem with simple words, but yours wasn't good.

Don't try to think about it too much, it'll only confuse you.

Azyne · Post by **Azyne** » Sat Nov 08, 2003 8:44 pm

flint_the_dwarf wrote:
Azyne wrote:
flint_the_dwarf wrote:Meter's pretty easy when all you use are one-syllable words.

Oh wait, she had one two-syllable word.
That was sort of the point. A who poem of one-syllabled words...sounds better when read...English major, huh?
Anyone can do poetry with one-syllable words. My little brother could pull of something as simple as that. And one-syllable words don't mean the poetry is bad, it takes a real poet to make a great poem with simple words, but yours wasn't good.

I feel sad now.

Don't try to think about it too much, it'll only confuse you.[/quote]

But alas, nothing can confuse the great one-syllabler.