Star Trek Next Generation - Sterile as Ever

[UncleMilo]

This is an excerpt from a review I sent to some friends of mine (so please forgive the awkard structure)


THIS HAS BIG SPOILERS.


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Sadly... the movie was really bad.

I mean... it was as bad as all other things Next Gen.

Next Gen, from the beginning, was a pretty damn sterile show. You know a show has a problem when you have to introduce a walk-on character to have personality problems.

I refused to see the first Next Gen movie and then I did see "First Contact" and found it to be pretty damn lacking... and I never saw the one after that because I don't know anyone who liked it... even the big time Trek fans.

I'm now going to talk about the movie... there will be spoilers.

The movie started off well... I actually had high hopes.

First, we had the set up, with an assassination plot. I thought the assassination seemed strange... that this person could just bring in this deadly weapon to the main council room... but... that was a small problem.

It was immediately followed up by the wedding of Riker and Troy. This was the best part of the movie... perhaps the most real emotion in the whole film... not to mention that Riker should have ended up with Troy a long time ago... but relationships would require emotions... and the show was always so devoid of them.

Also: Riker's character was castrated when they decided to have Picard be the action character as well... and so it was nice for Riker to at least have one moment in the sun.

Anyway... while the opening was cool... there were some plot problems already...

Why was Wesley there? I mean... there he was at the table... and he was supposed to be gone with the Travellers...so... uhmmm... how did he get to the dinner table?

And why was Worf in Starfleet clothes? At the end of DS9, Worf was made the council of the Klingons... (or whatever post he was now holding) and he had left Starfleet to be with his people... and now he's back to being his role in the TV show...

but far be it from continuity to be important to the Next Gen people...

Anyway... after this scene, we are suddenly slapped over the head with a feeble plot distraction. They go to the planet of Rat Patrol to find some pieces of a Data class android. Then, they escape from the Rat Patrol aliens in the most obvious and telescoped stunt scene... a scene that only existed so they could put it in the preview of the movie. It was just a needless stunt for a needless scene.

So... the robot... his name is B-4 (you sank my battleship!) and Data instantly decides what a good idea it would be to feed ALL his memories - including all the Starfleet Secrets - into this new robot. NO ONE EVEN BRINGS UP LORE!!! I mean... we know that LORE went all evil and shit... and half the audience believed that this WAS Lore... but NO ONE even brings up Lore or suggests that there might be danger. OH NO... that would make the feeble plot fall apart right at its badly written seems!

*Sigh*

Anyway... so then Picard gets sent to meet with the Romulans.

Now...this always makes me laugh...

The Romulans show up in the biggest battle barge off the pike with more weapons then I know what... the Romulans then rudely demand that Picard and his team come over to chat.

On board the death flotilla is a delight... a whole group of Nosferatu Vampire Romulans who have to be in the dark because light hurts their vampire eyes and their leader dresses like Hellraiser and is a young clone of Picard who goes and hits on Troy...

then... surrounded by evil and darkness and wearing creepy Hellraiser clothes, Vampire Picard Clone says "Hey... we want to be friends."

I mean... wouldn't you trust the creepy vampires and their Hellraiser wannabe?
I sure would!

Oh... and no one asks where the rest of the ENTIRE ROMULAN GOVERNMENT WENT... oh no!

So... Picard discovers he has an evil clone (and why Picard is SO IMPORTANT that there would be an evil plot to replace him with a clone... I mean, sure, Picard is the main character of the TV show... but is Picard really THAT important that they would clone him... and not some delegate or ambassador??)

Oh... and then we discover that Evil Hellraiser boy's Nosferatu pal has some kind of mental powers so he can use some sort of evil Dracula like mind-control on Troy.

This plot point is never explained. They don't explain WHY the Romulan slaves have these kinds of powers... why they didn't use them on their Romulan Slave task-masters or why they would expose their evil so obviously in this ridiculous VAMPIRE ROMULAN way... but... it is important we have this scene so the ridiculous end battle can happen.

Anyway...so evil Romulan Picard-Clone (who is a Vampire... did I mention that??) captures Picard and reveals he is evil... I mean... we'd have never guessed!!

He also has to get some of Picard's Blood... errrr... I mean DNA... so he can continue to live... because being a vampire, he needs to feed or he'll die. OK... the movie explanation is that he has this genetic thing that can only be cured by him absorbing Picard's DNA... which makes me think this whole Cloning plan was not very well thought out by the Romulans...

But then again... this lame-o script wasn't well thought out either.

So... then Evil Picard Clone (who is evil) gets B-4... who turns out to be a plant... they just knew the Enterprize would pick him up and that Data would fill B-4 with all that vital Starfleet info.... what a cunning plan! And you thought my B-4, you sunk my battleship line was just a joke... but B-4 sinks the whole of Starfleet now that they have all the info they need to destroy Starfleet...

Or do they?

Surprise, surprise... it's not B-4... it's DATA! And the vampire guys who had worked so hard on this complicated plan had no way of noticing that their robot was not the same as Data (even though characters on the Enterprize could tell so quickly...and it wasn't THEIR ROBOT!!!!)

Anyway...so they escape... and that leads to a new question...

WHY ARE ALL THE RACES IN STAR TREK THAT ARE "BRED FOR WAR" UNABLE TO SHOOT A TARGET THAT IS FOUR FEET IN FRONT OF THEM????

Anyway... so after the escape...
The plot continues to hammer its very primitive points in some of the most banal conversations... conversations that made Next Generation such a delightfully sterile show in the first place.

There is no subtlty in this movie... not one ounce

Like I said... the villains are big Nosferatu Vampires in Hellraiser clothing...
I mean... they might just as well be screaming out BWA-HA-HA

The battle is lame as well... not one new thing... we've seen it all before... and then... just to make sure this battle is dumber than any battle before, Troy makes use of her psychic link to Nosferatu boy... we sure don't know how he set up the link... and we sure don't know how Troy uses it either... but thank goodness they give Troy that old Vampire eyes lighting... just in case we forgot that the bad guys are all vampires... (did I mention that?)


Troy is able to use this psychic (and unexplained) power to locate the enemy ship (Just like in Dracula!!) Than goodness the writers didn't bother to explain this, because they needed a really big plot hole to get them out of the situation they put themselves in.

Well... with the ship found, the Enterprize is able to do some real damage to the enemy... but then the enemy cripples the Enterprize and our villain has to stop and gloat... because otherwise this movie would try something original.

Oh...Picard tries to blow up the Enterprize (again)...but the self destruct mechanism has been destroyed so they couldn't use that plot point...

So Picard rams the enemy ship. One would think this would be like ramming a Buick with a Hyundai... I mean... the Enterprize is all torn up and looks kinda flimsy compared to this giant, bulky death flotilla...

still... this plan works... uhmmm... I guess...
but the Death Flotilla activates the Genesis Device...errr... I mean the grean death beam thingie...

but Picard beams aboard to save the day...

Picard quickly kills every single vampire with his riffle, because the Vampires just have no ability to deal with a single intruder... you know...seeing how they were bred for war and all...

Then it's just down to Picard and the Vampire clone boy...

and wouldn't you know it? Picard DRIVES A FUCKING STAKE THROUGH VAMPIRE BOY.

Picard seems overwhelmed by this and then Data shows up...

Data teleports Picard back to the Enterprize and then blows up the Green evil weapon thingie and the death flotilla...

Hmmm... I seem to be forgetting something...

OH YEAH! Data blows up with the ship... and so he's dead...
but the crew seems about as unmoved by this as I was.

After all...emotion is not the strong suit of this show...

I mean... when Spock died in Star Trek II, I cried without control. Why? Because they built it up well... it was written well... and it helps get across the most important message of Star Trek II... which was... yes, Kirk is old... but he's still alive... and that's what's important. I didn't cry because Spock died... but when they ask Kirk how he feels and he says "I feel young." That is such a moving line... that is such a powerful moment... and they never let you go... I mean... Spock died heroicly... Kirk feels the pain of loss... Kirk gives the eulogy... and his voice breaks... and then they play Amazing Grace and then they have that important scene I mentioned and then they have Spock read off the classic "Space: The final frontier..." bit... it was non-stop emotion.

The death of Data resulted in:
1) Unconvincing emotion from Troy
2) A lame ass rememberance from Riker that was so rushed and unfeeling, you just didn't care

and 3) A poor scene between Picard and B-4


Well... the vampires are dead
and the Romulans want to negotiate with Starfleet (which will be a trick, since all the government reps are dead)

and one walks out of the movie asking "Why should I care about ANYTHING that happened in that movie?"

It was a sloppy, badly thought out, poorly executed, and uninspired movie
and nothing gave one the indication that this was the last Next Gen movie.

I mean... Star Trek VI was a good ending for the original Trek gang...
Good message, strong and dignified ending and it just let you feel that it was over.

This left you feeling... well... this is the last one if it bombs... but they won't give it a strong ending in case it makes enough money to make another one.

What a bad way to go about making a movie...

[Anime Jedi]

I remember watching First Contact, though my memory is a little hazy on the details... wait! Ok, the title is sort of a big hint to which on it was (and the review ). Anyways, I thought it was ok, but then again, I did watch it when I was pretty young.

[TaranT]

When are they going to kill this idiotic series, cancel every show associated with it, and shackle the fans to radiators inside their houses (or trailer homes) so we never have to see them out in public again?

Oh boy, Commander Riker (Jonathan Frakes) and Commander Troi (Marina Sirtis) get married in this film, which could have otherwise been titled "My Big Fat Betazoid Wedding"....

Captain Picard (Patrick Stewart) and the rest of the crew head to Romulus where a Reman, Shinzon (Tom Hardy), has taken over the government....Shinzon has a complex about not being as famous as Picard, so he's on a quest to make a name for himself. Coincidentally, William Shatner has developed the same complex.

As is typical with most "Star Trek" films, nothing makes much sense. I have these questions:

Isn't it a violation of the Prime Directive to take your dune buggy and go joy-riding on a pre-Warp planet?

In all their years of simulating space, haven't the producers learned anything about physics? Example: The Enterprise crashes into Shinzon's ship, leaving them stuck together in the middle of space. So, to get them unstuck, Shinzon backs up real slowly because apparently, the Enterprise is just going to rest there in the middle of space while Shinzon's ship pulls away from it. Now, what exactly is keeping the Enterprise frozen there?

Please, don't make any more of these.

http://www.mrcranky.com/movies/startreknemesis.html

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[R-A-N-M-A]

I like your friends review much better than I did the one TranT posted. Milo's friends eview stated all the faults in clear detail and it all made sense, infact I sugest he get a job as a critic, it was much better than that sensless dribble that comes out of the obese man and the ass kissing skinny replacement.

Now as far as the one TranT posted, it was just kicking a dead horse. It said little about the movie and just how he hated star trek in the first place, with no perticular motive. Milo's friend on the other hand gave us a reason, a motive if you will. Any ways this whole physics thing should just have been ignored, if you wanna go down that path go watch armmageddon again, then see what you have to say about physics. Holywood has a nautriously bad recored with this wee thing we like to call: REALISM!

Just forget it. (waste of my unvaluable time!)

[CaTaClYsM]

well lets be fair, pretty much all star trek sucks, so it isn't like this is any worse, and as far as star trek series goes, TNG was one of the better ones. It didn't suck NEARLY as bad as DS9 or voyager.

[R-A-N-M-A]

Voyager took sterilaty to a clean room level. One thing you will always get from star trek is sterile, faceless, storyless, emostionless shells of people as the main cast.

[CaTaClYsM]

well, except for DS9, which was a sci fi soap opera for the first and second half of the show.

[R-A-N-M-A]

That show had overly elaborate emotions uncommun with star trek.

[EarthCurrent]

KHAAAAAAAANNNNN!

[R-A-N-M-A]

With the ear slugs and the madness and the Iamma kill you all bwahahahahah! Fire the genisis!