The Greatest Rhythm

[Kamoc]

Now, it must be known that an idea like this isn’t meant for an era that lacks the technology to perform the tasks that are about to be stated. There is no reason to rush the project, seeing as how the amount of time needed would be enormous and the quantity of steel prescribed would be equal to the same amount used to build 255 US Abram tanks. Add onto that the window glass and sheer manpower needed and you’ve got a serious reason to decline any immediate action to our world’s trouble. Just remember: I’m not saying that we couldn’t succeed in such an immense task, but rather that the problem is ahead of our time and should be consulted even then with complete bias and upright favoritism; something our race lacks considerably.

Even though everyone has three ideas of what a song should contain (namely a harmonica, three bass sections and at least one vague reference to ‘love’ and/or ‘hate’) it’s always important to consider others views in the realm of tasteful music. Say for example that my son likes the band ‘Blue Oyster Colt’, while I find Sting to be particularly groovy. Unfortunately, Blue Oyster Colt didn’t mention anything about harmonicas in any shape or form on their CD cover, which forced me to hurl the blasphemous tripe out my car’s window (needless to say that I didn’t get to hear any of it) and made me come to the conclusion that the CD is a disgrace to American society and I therefore propose freedom from this trash. How dare it even try to huddle in my CD player without even the slightest reference to Jerry Murad; SPAH's 1995 Harmonica Player of the Year.

In retaliation against bands such as Bush, Taco the Wonder Dog and Baltimora, I would like to call a worldwide ban on music. Instead, I propose that we construct an enormous lightning box. The lightning box will be 50 feet high with central air conditioning, four floors, three chairs, and one enormous desk. The desk will have to be fitted to the stairs so that the chairs will look nice against the black carpet (evenly spaced, you know) and the wallpaper doesn’t clash; though the color of said wallpaper has yet to be decided upon. Bill is thinking about green, but my son insists upon a blue backdrop with clouds and pictures of Jay Jay the Jet Plane floating around.

Anyway, the lightning box will be used to hold the three greatest musicians of all time (Maurice Gibb, James Earl Jones and Chuck E. Cheese). Once in the box, they will have as much time as they need to come up with one universal song that can and will be used for any occasion the listener can think of. They will not be alone however, as they will be guided along their musically-enriched way by statistics of every man and woman in the world. These statistics will include everything about the person’s musical interests; from ‘How many brass sections is too many?’ to ‘Why do you like Sting so very very much?’.

To prove my point a little more, I have made a list that details unomusic’s pros. Unfortunately, all the cons were lost in the Great House Fire of Yesterday Morning. I swear that the oven looked like it was off.

1. No More Bad Music
This is a pretty simple idea to grasp: without several yards of overflowing trash bags full of untasteful music, it’s kind of hard to complain about the music industry’s landfill. No more screaming your lungs dry at little Billy to stop listening to his horrible bands. Trust me when I say that this saves tons of Advil for more serious problems such as going to bed and making toothpick-marshmellow houses.

2. Overall Decline in Teenage Angst
Let’s face it: teens aren’t brought up like they used to be. They’re mostly ‘jamming’ in their garages and taking advice from their amps and guitar strings. With no outlet for general deviancy or inlet for moral questioning, teens are more likely to bond to the family type environment, thus making it an easier place to be. Despite what popular belief states, I highly doubt Fred Durst is the most qualified motherly figure for my daughters.

3. Internet Piracy will Finally Shut Up
Kazaa, WinMX and LimeWire will finally meet their respective dooms as the ballast of their entire pirate ship collapses in on itself. Besides, we all know that even video media can’t get any worse than Celine Dion’s ‘Ode to the Devil’.

I have begun early deliberation upon the tune of the wonder song, and even though the general feel of it has that of the great Moby, the lyrics could use Chuck E. Cheese’s wonderful magics. They are as follows:
“Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Eric Clapton;
Happy birthday to you.”