)v(ajin Koji (Peter Bray)
I Write This As My Banner Fills The Page Above
I'ma damn lot happier than I was the last time I wrote in here here's a few reasons why:
1. Went to Spain for a while, it always cheers me up ^_^
2. Got better at guitar and it makes me feel SPESH!
3. Started dating Liz /broad smile!
Well, yeah those of you who didn't know, I'm back.
(over 1000 views of this journal now)
That's All Guys!
From my Live Journal:
I just went and got a diet coke, but that's besides the point.
This past week hasn't been the greatest for me: Every morning I've got up wanting to cry, sometimes for no reason sometimes with reason (or did I just realise the reason for everytime?), I've felt a resounding lonelyness too-I've always known that if Francis and Michelle went and found more friends I'd be alone.
I feel no longer needed, liked and bove all loved. I've gone back to the way I was at the end of year eleven-I hate myself again. I hate the way I'm so selfish that I don't expect my best friends to find more friends. Even though I can pretty much strike up conversation with anyone-possibly be likable too-there are very few people who actually know me. I can think of only 3 people who I can actually say know me.
On top of this I have my "Love Life", such as it is, ripping me to shreads inside. Conflicting within me are the girl I thought I loved, the girl who liked me and the girl who I was begining to like.
Oh, damn I drank all my drink, anyway:
This is the first instance where I suddenly feel amazingly unattractive, it's not that I ever thought of myself as a very good looking person-I've never thought that but I either never considered my looks or pushed it to the back of my mind seeing as I am a very unconfident person when it comes to my looks and attractiveness. But when you like three girls and none of them like you (even the one that liked you left you) it builds up inside and whatever positive feelings you may have built up in the six months since the last depression are torn down. I cried.
What's worse is that I just cannot talk to anyone about this even if I wanted to, not even Michelle. I feel so ashamed of myself and my weakness that I can't tell anyone. In person. But I know that eventually I will tell someone, it happens everytime. It turns into a, conciously or sub-conciously, it turns into a pathetic cry for attention and love.
Everything that I used to try to take my mind off these things isn't working; working out, martial arts, drawing, playing guitar/computer games. I'm finding it hard to sleep too. I just spend all my time either on the computer of just in my room feeling sorry for myself. I'm so pathetic it's bringing a wry smile to my face.
I usually try my best to look on the bright side of things, godammit I really do. At least I haven't lost any friends-I just see them less. But I've gotta deal with this, make more friends! Not just people to talk to. Let more people know the real me.
But if they knew this..."
Empty smiles, that's all I am.
I hate it. I hate it all. I hate myself. I hate them all. Hate...
Today Was Boring Again...
Eh, I think I'm subconciously flirting with this girl. Must stop that :¬ P
I gotta remember to buy something for my mum for Mothers Day and also to learn "Day in Day Out" on the guitar because Ross has learnt it on the drums.
That's All Guys.
(told you it was boring)
Blah Blee Blag!
Today was pretty boring, I hate to add to all the bad stuff that seems to be going on in peoples lives (according to the journals at the moment) but life is SO boring.
Anyway, I started up a Live Journal out of boredom:
That's All Guys.
Feeder and Other Stuff Too
I just downloaded "Under The Weather" (live) by Feeder and I love it! The CD version sounds pretty cool but I like the face that this live version sounds playable :¬ P
I got my guitar re-strung, well my dad showed me how and then I tuned it up to the best of abillity and I've been "jammin'" for a few hours now.
Going around Francis' house tonight gonna stay over, the usual thing.
I updated my profile a little bit more, a few links and stuff-go me and my html >_>
That's All Guys!
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