Overture (Daniel Winkler)
"said im ok but i know how to lie" -yellowcard
first journal entry:3 thought this mite be a good way to relieve some much built up stress since noone ever reads mines anywaysXD
these past few months more than ever have just been a royal bitchD< and i never used to complain alotO_O besides losing some of the best friends ill ever have still effecting my self esteem as well as how i judge my current friends whom i wish i could so so badly but cant seem to trust... alot of other things happened as well.
friends are the pits.. insecurity can suck it
i often think im just being an idiot. but it seems like some of my friends could really care less. some of them could suck a poo thoXD but the ones i consider my closest are the ones that hurt the most. more than ever i need a shoulder to lean on, and someone to catch my tears. sure their there, but i wonder if their there cuz they want to be, or if its just for themselves. idk. i just dont kno who to trust. i wish for one, theyd show it a little better. convince me. show me. and two, i wish i could just trust in people again. im sick of feeling so alone and abandoned all the time. and its my fault. itll only take one person to prove to me they genuinly care. just oneD:
my brother and my sister in law just got a divorce. so because of that, them fighting all the time, upsetting my mom greatly, making everyone angry and emotional and fight all the time was horrible. but at least u could watch my adorable 4 nieces more often:3 i love umXD but now my sister in law just took them and moved to japan where she came from. and it sucks badD: everyday im missing themT^T i hope the next time i see them they wont be TOO much taller
goodbyes part 2
december 7th my grandmother passed away. she was really sick and fell a couple months back. broke her shoulders. she was in so much pain she just wanted to die. then she finally did. my dad was going to catch a plane over to her but he didnt make it in time. he got depressed. and drank, tho hed finally quit drinkin for a while since he was an extreme alcoholic. her funeral was going to be held soon. he wanted to at least go to her funeral and say goodbye. especially since her birhtday was only 4 days away on dec. 10th.
goodbyes part 3
december 10, 2009
just the previous week i spent about 6 days with little sleep working on my akross con entry:3 then eagerly waiting to see if i got into the finals, december 10th morning i got news. i made itXD it was the first con i seriously participated in. i was so happyXD it was such a good day. then...that nite. after i got home from work, my dad came home, i assumed drunk as usual. i really wasnt that close to him. got into a fight a couple times. both times i was protecting my mom cuz i was scared hed hurt her. in the end i dont think he ever would but i snapped both times and he was drinking alot. so this time, on dec. 10, i assumed he was drunk which is y i thought i kept hearing him make so much noise. hours passed and i payed no attention to him. my mom finally came home and assumed he was just drunk again as well. he was just sitting down, his head to his knees. for hours in that position. my mom finally tried to talk to him. he would answer. just breathed hard. deep. she kept tellin him to get up and that he should stop drinkin. he wouldnt answer. after about half an hour of that, she asked him if she should call the hospital. he didnt answer. just breathing. i came out and tried to snap him out of it. we then called the hospital cuz we thought he mite have alcohol poisoning or something. while we were on the phone, thats when it happened. he stopped breathing, then suddenly his body just fell to the floor. i couldnt believe wat was happening. i heard this term used and finally knew exactly wat it felt like.... I felt like i was in a nightmare...no... it was worse than a nightmare. as he fell, i saw his eyes. they were grey, not there usual brown. they had lost all color. and on the side i saw....he was crying. we tried to do wat we could to wake him up. my mom was shaking him, over and over. i was slapping his face. screaming. he just wouldnt wake up. the fire department got here first. they tried to revive him, then took him to the ambulance and continued there. over and over, my mom in horrible shape. all i could do was try to make her feel better. but it was so so hard to do that while watching them trying to revive my dad right in front of us. they took him to the hospital. we followed in my truck. me and my sister comforting my mom. my sister was in good shape. she wasnt crying. didnt seem worried. probably cuz shes very religious and believed everything would be alrite. we met my other sister and brother there as well as my brother in law. noone was crying. just waiting. silently. then the doctor came in. she said,"we tried..." my mom asked "wat do you mean??? he didnt make it??" and the doctor shook her head and said "no.." then just as she did. everyone broke down crying. even my sisters who showed no worry. my mom screaming "oh god" will stay with me forever. it was the worst nite of my life. by far. seeing my dad die in front of me. seeing my mom screaming. it took me by surprise. i never thought something like this would happen to me so soon. tho he had his problems, i KNO he loved us more than anything, and despite me being such an asshole and being so blind, he showed it. he showed it. and i didnt see it til he was gone. he loved us. he just made some mistakes along the way. and i love him too. i wish i could tell him that.
the last thing i did with him. he borrowed my truck to do something for his business. when he came to pick me up from work i had to wait half an hour for him. i got angry since i already had a short fuse with him and when he came out of the store i worked at while i was waiting i punched the concret pole i was leaning on. i snapped. took the keys and told him ill drive. my mom told me that nite he took so long becuz he was picking up his diabetes medicine. he was just diagnosed with it. he also bought us some pastries just becuz. im such an idiot. and i miss him.
at his funeral i made a promise to myself to be strong. to stand on my own two feet and to always be a great friend and to try to make others around me happy. that was always wat i tried to do but now more than ever i was determined to be selfless. but... i found its alot harder than i thought....when it still seems like the friends who should be there arent as much as id want them to be. and dont ask me wats wrong when my dad just died. and i kno this may sound incredibly stupid, but when someone asks if im ok, i always say "im fine", cuz i honestly dont want to burden anyone with my problems. which is fine. but i say im fine to even the people i actually want to lean on. and when those people just take my "im fine" and dont push for me to be happy, to make sure im happy. then i get sad. even tho i say im fine. im not. i was never fine. how could i be when so many things are happening, and the side effects from it all are still hitting me so hard. even if they ask if im sure im fine and yea, its stupid but i answer yes im sure. i dunno y i fight it so hard, but i want them to fight harder and to not take a simple "im fine" for an answer. i wanna kno that someone cares about me that much to push so hard for me to be happy. cuz ive done that for the people i care about b4 and still do. but whos gonna be there for me? who IS there for me? who really cares? i really dont kno. its stupid, and i DO test people to see how much they care. its dumb, its INCREDIBLY selfish i kno. but after all the best friends ive lost and people that backstabbed me, i try to trust my friends. but i still want people to truly care about me. and to be there and to fight for me. i want a real friend. if even just one. i want someone to prove to me they care. and that i have a reason to be happy. to try so hard for other people.
sometimes when i actually start to get close to someone again, which hardly ever happens unless i think there awesome enough... i start to push them away. i convince myself that they dont care, or that the things they say, like theyll be there for me are lies. and i take even the smallest things and take it as a sign that they dont care and then convince myself maybe theyve been lying. im always trying to get over that. not doing a very good job at all. but hopefully if they care enough and really are as awesome as i hope they are, theyll not only be standing next to me smiling when im finally whole again, but theyll help me pick up the pieces too. i hope. and i want to believe. and im so so soooo sorry for hurting them if i ever did. i just lose myself in my thoughts sometimes and get so sad. thats when i push them away. im sorry. but i hope in the end ill become a great person, and can keep my friends and family happy like i want to. for now, i just need to stop being selfish and suck up my own problems. cuz its making me a horrible person. im sorry. im trying. sometimes, i just want someone to talk to me. to tell me how much they care. without me having to ask them. and for them to be honest. i dont want to feel so alone anymore.
but ill keep trying to be strong.
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