Radical_Yue (Younique )
Take 2 + Ranting with a side of dark stuff
Ok, it's been 4 1/2 months since I've been injured and I'm still not doing too much better (where some problems went away others got worse and quite a few issues just stuck around in general) but I really need to get back into things.
I've been fully relying on Replay and Mirko for all forum watching and that is not right of me. They're awesome guys and they don't deserve to have everything fall on them. I'm going to make an effort to return to what I consider normal life.
So yeah, returning to "work." :P
Beyond that, I'm going to do a bit of ranting just to get it out. I've really been feeling the need to just kind of scream into the atmosphere and I know that no one really reads these journal entries anymore so I'll just use this. So yeah, if you don't want to see some dark/depressing stuff, please stop here.
Seriously, it's going to get dark and ranty. Probably with a decent amount of grammatical, spelling, and other types of errors. Like that stupid word swap thing I do a lot. Seriously, what the fuck is up with that word swap thing?
I've been highly depressed for months. Like, on the verge of suicidal depression. Yeah, like I said, dark/depressing shit. I know people are there for me, support me, and all that, and I think that's the one thing that keeps me from doing it. I REALLY don't want to talk about it. Depression is something I've struggled with for yeeeeaaars now and while it's been a while since I hit this kind of low, I know the routine. So while I know deep down that I couldn't bring myself to do it, I won't deny that I've thought about it about it quite a bit. I've really wanted to publicly post something about it because I do feel that it is something that helps me cope, but again, really don't want to have that discussion with anyone and I honestly think it would piss me off if people started treating me differently because of it.
I've gone back and forth on whether to post something about this publicly for a decent amount of time now, but I decided to say fuck it. This is for me. I'm doing this for me.
I'm in constant pain. The neurologist said there really isn't a difference between my injury and slamming my head into a hard object. It basically causes similar and often times, identical symptoms to occur. I've been trying my absolute best to cope with it but sometimes, holy fuck does it hurt. I break down a lot because of it and that causes the depression to worsen. Even during NDK I found myself slipping into the bathroom at night just to sit on the floor and cry for a bit. I tried walking around the halls the first night but that shit got awkward when I ran into a very confused hotel staffer that was just trying to drop off a newspaper at someone's door. So yeah, pain fucking sucks.
But holy hell do I feel pathetic. There are people I know that have to have surgeries, have dealt with cancer, and more and I'm complaining about a god damn headache and not being able to apply pressure to the right side of my head without heavy medication. Welcome to the other shit that contributes to my depression :D I know it's different, every person deals with pain differently, all that shit. Doesn't matter what I know. What matters is that crap make me feel hooooooooooorrible.
Beyond that I've been constantly stressed out about financial stuff, getting rides to/from the doctor, dealing with work, and being a burden on Matt. He tells me I shouldn't worry about it and it's dumb for me to worry about it. Again, with depression it doesn't matter what you know. I could have this shit tattooed on my forehead and it wouldn't make a damn difference. This is the fun of depression.
I think a lot of this has contributed to my lack of activity/dedication as of late. It feels like a major excuse to say that, and it probably is, but I have been incredibly unmotivated. Even while listening to people passionately talk about AMVs, the hobby, the site, and all of that, I would sit there and think about just leaving it all. Is it worth it? Does what I do actually matter? I'm sure a couple people appreciate some of the things I put my time and dedication into. I also know that a rather large amount of people hate my guts over it. But yeah, is it worth it? Should I bother to keep going with it? In the long run, I really don't feel like I make any difference whatsoever. It's momentary pleasure that will fade. Yeah, people talk big and make awesome plans, but then motivation dies out and everything stays the same. Each time it's approached, it'll be different. Nope. The same. Still have hope? Fuck you. Have your dreams crushed by those that had hope and now are sour about it. Even talk about abandoning ship to make a new place don't go anywhere.
Sorry, ranting. Short but sweet: sometimes I feel like I'm contributing to a joke that isn't funny.
And I keep getting reminded that I'm stressing over a hobby. Yeah, it's the hobby that saved my life in the first place and introduced me to the people that are 99.9% the only reason I'm still alive today. But in the end, I'm fighting for a hobby. A hobby that isn't populated by the same people. A hobby that does nothing but boosts egos because people only give a shit about awards and themselves. I don't believe competition is a bad thing. Far from it, it inspires and it breeds creativity and can create incredibly positive things. The problem isn't the competitions, it's the people that join them.
Part of me still feels angry over all of it because it still cares, but the other part of me is the part that doesn't think it's worth it anymore so no fucks are given.
I am known as an incredibly angry person. I'm alright with being known as that. I've had plenty of people throw it in my face, passively attack me, and talk shit about me. I'm ok with that. Well, I say that I'm ok with that and I'll carry myself like I'm ok with it but deep down, I think a part of me is not very ok. Yeah, I'm angry. I get angry because I can't fix everything. I get angry because people don't show respect to the editors, the audience, and AMVs. I get angry because of the double standards, the two faced bullshit, and the backstabbing. But then again, this is life. Get the fuck over it. There are far worse things out there.
Again...is it worth it? Does it deserve my anger? Am I just making things worse? Fuck if I know. According to a decent amount of people I'm an asshole, cunt, jerk, and quite a few other things. Should I let these things bother me? Probably not. Do they bother me? I don't know anymore.
My shift starts in 5 minutes and I need to do mod-work when I'm off. Gotta get going.
And this was Yue's incredibly ranty journal of depression, questioning herself, and quite a few other things :D
WATS A VNS?
Can I get a Chii in a black bikini? :D I'd just love it <3
I am so proud ;_;
Don't Hate Me <3
Josh 2:25 pm
Chii posted a dealy on facebook. "The color of your pants + the last thing you ate = Your band name"
I'm a sexual band T___T
Radical Yue 2:26 pm
Josh 2:26 pm
Current server time: Sep 30, 2014 18:33:08