I bring very sad news

[Zaiyei]

I have little right to even post here.
I havent shed a tear since I heard of his death. My eyes have welled up with tears on several occasions but not a single tear fell. I hate myself for it. Simply put. But there's nothing I can do, I can't force myself to cry - I've tried.
It's suffocating.. My chest is tight, my mind is blank. I can only conclude that I'm either in denial or that I'm a cold-hearted jerk who isn't even crying over the loss of one of her closest friends.

I was just talking to him two days ago... It wasn't a long conversation.. but it's just all so unreal. Two days ago.
I still remember a couple weeks ago (a little more than a month?) when he told me he wasn't going to live. He said he only told his close friends. He told me not to be sad, he said he will live his life to the fullest and enjoy it. He said he was prepared to die. Ready to go. All I could do was support him - Pray for him - And that I did.
I wish I was there last night for him. I hate that I wasn't..

I regret so much that I have been too busy this year to have those long VCs that I used to have with him.. Those neverending conversations.. I miss them so much. Just a week ago I finally thought of what I could do for his birthday, what I could make him. I wanted to make him smile..

I remember my first conversation with him. So nervous.. This was like my amv idol: Zetzu. Am I dreaming?! Haha.. He was really friendly.. I still remember he wanted to VC that time and wondered who I was and why he didn't know me yet. It was so fun. He was so easy to talk to.. It just all seemed like a dream.
I remember his AMV "Our Farewell". The AMV of his that hooked me to his editing. I remember in our first conversation we talked about it.
Then we talked more, about random things, he taught me a couple things in editing.. shared with me about his life, his thoughts and ideas, his interests,..

I still remember once he found me on facebook and said "Deb. If there was ever a time I needed someone to talk to, it would be now" and I rushed onto skype, called him, and heard him crying (it was complex emotional problems with a girl that he was close to [long and short of it]).

I still remember.. when he disappeared over the summer of 2010 and how I found out later he was in the hospital from being diagnosed with cancer.
The two years I've known him, he's never failed to present me with a gift for my birthday which always happened to be during the time he was in the hospital (both years).
Magnus, you've done way too much for me - someone so insignificant like me. You do so much for all your friends.. I wish I could've done more for you. I really wanted to..
I can say for all of us, you were an amazing, amazing, friend - a much better one that many of us could have/have been to you.

I hate how you're gone.. You saw it coming, I knew it would come since you told me, and yet it's still so hard to accept. I see your name on skype, I see your YT, I see your org account.. I see it all and tell myself you're gone - but deep inside I know I haven't accepted it.
Just a few weeks ago we were planning your trip to the states.. how we could meet.. how we could hang. I wanted to meet you in person... now I can't.

Im torn. I want to yell at you. I want to give you a big hug. I can't do either. I miss you so much.
Sorry for the ramble. I'm really a wordless mess right now.

-Debbie

don't beat yourself up. You feel the pain. You don't need to express it in the common forms. You two were close and he meant something to you. Nothing changes that.

Agreed, don't beat yourself up over it. He wouldn't want that, and in the end, neither do you.

Having lost one of the closest people in my life before, I felt just like that, for weeks and months in fact. It was paralyzing and I totally couldn't express myself, and felt horrible for not being able to cry or really say something meaningful about it. That's what a lot of people are feeling right now I'm sure. I think a lot can be said about Magnus right now, but it will all just seem really sad and inadequate compared to even the smallest thing he could say to put your mind to rest or put a smile on your face.

At the same time, hearing stories about how he was is honestly almost like hearing him say something again, so thanks for all of you who were close friends with him for sharing these. I feel like I got to know him a little more, and that's really an awesome thing.

Sorry & Thanks...

[TritioAFB]

This is the kind of situation I have to live every day since Onchology is my area. After I knew about his disease, we turned into friends, even when we didn't talk in the past. You know crowd, sometimes I wish I could heal every patient that comes to my area, and living this kind of experience is kinda disappointing

There's something that calls my attention since I'm also a doctor: I would have liked to have a word with my comrades. They said Magnus's disease was neuroblastoma, but I still believe that wasn't the original disease. And what I mean with this is that possibilities of healing changes very much in case of being another kind of cancer. Even the way the disease was showing doesn't fit with a neuroblastoma. But oh well...

Anyway my friend:

I spent every day after January 9 talking with you after receiving this message:

Hi my friend.

I got to learn yesterday that the treatment has not worked, and that I won't be able to be cured.

Even with the amount of chemotherapy and all the other treatment, only 2 months off it I got 2 more tumors now. The doctors have come to the conclusion that there is nothing left they can do to cure me.
All they can do now, is slow it down - make it progress slower, as well as keep me as pain-free as possible.

I'm sorrry to say I lost the battle, but I still won't give up until I am on my death bed.
I apologize to bring such saddening news, but I wanted you as my fellow amv-mate and medically trained professional who's supported me, to know at least.

This is not someting I will share openly, not just yet.
But I hope that the slow-down process will do good for me, and that I can live the last of my life in peace and enjoy what is left of it.

Thanks for all your support so far.

Love.
Magnus.

Man, it's said that into my profession I'm not allowed to cry with the patients, but I really felt touched after reading this
Even with all possible options I was still cold that the treatment failed. I can promise you something: I'll learn everything about the neuroblastoma and the cancers that appear frequently in children, so that when the time to take a decision like in yours, I will save a life.

But then:

Yes, seeing as the tumor-mass recovered so soon after the last chemotherapy (2 months ago), there is really no way of getting rid of it.
We are hoping to be able to shrink them down to a smaller size, and try to keep them under control, but being fully cure is no longer a possible option.

I want to thank you for all of your support.
I will live every day to the fullest, and do the things I love, spend time with family and friends.
I will make the rest of my life count.

Thanks for being there for me in my complicated health-state. It's been really comforting.
I will keep you updated, and I'm sorry I had to bring such saddening news this time.

Keep on the good work, cure more people and save them from this hell called "cancer".
You are in my eyes a great hero.

Love.
Magnus.

The reason why I suddenly got interested in your case, was that unfortunately in this country people just give up. They refuse to take treatment and decide to kill themselves. In your case I was surprised to find someone that was brave enough to fight against this cruel disease called cancer. You still remember it don't you?

I don't regret because I spent all the possible time I came to the org talking with you, even I commented CodeZTM that I would appreciate that interview to Magnus.

AimoAio, do you remember that the last time we talk in Skype, I mentioned you that: Spent all the possible time with Magnus. He needs his friends? Actually the day we talked, was after I received the first message. At that moment I didn't want to tell you about his condition, after all, I guess that Magnus's intention was to not make people getting worried about it.

So yeah, I'm upset, I'm into a vortex of emotions, but I just hope that now you're resting in peace.

It's kinda weird when you meet someone under certain conditions that makes you care about that person even when you didn't talk with him. I was planning to do a video to remember you but I don't feel in the mood to even think about that

TritioAFB

[Vlex]

Rest in peace Magnus. =( You were a great editor, I was glad to be part of MEP with you!

[Hagaren Viper]

My gosh, I don't think I've ever even spoken to Magnus and Im in tears. I've seen his posts about his battle with cancer and it was always uplifting to see his his posts when he was doing well. I'm very glad Code was able to interview him, but at the same time reading it and then to have this happen makes it even more heartbreaking. It's crazy to think that we lost another longtime member like this. Definitely praying for those whos lives he touched.

[Vlad G Pohnert]

It's always sade to loose someone in any community... As one gets older it becomes more of a reality, but when someone is so young it really is even more sad...

Vlad

[Jwalk0]

This isn't goodbye my friend, only a temporary leave until I see you again in Heaven. Keep your spirit uplifted while you're there like you did on earth and leave alotta spaces up there for the ones who cares about you my man. God bless and thank you for everything you've done with the friendships you've created offline and online and your editings in the amv community. Like a dedicated solider you looked physical hardship in the face and kept a powerful stance against it and you did not let it defeat you. You remained strong-willed and bright with yourself and the ones you cared about. That is the very definition of courage. Until the end of time, we will always remember you and the legacy of your good-heartedness will remain strong and passed on to future generations. Many heartfelt prayers from myself and all of us goes out to you, your family, and friends. Let our words, our sentiments, and our tears be a testimony of love to everyone both alive and dead who has been a part of your life since the day you were born till today. Your battle with cancer was heartwrenching, but now you can rest. While we will miss you greatly till the time of our departures from this earth, we do know that you are in a much better place away from the physical and mental pains of this earth and you are now in Heaven with the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, and the passed on loved ones whom you missed while you were alive on this earth. Your spirit will remain strong in all of our hearts. Much love from us. Always

[Dr. Derpface, J.D.]

"It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather, we should thank God that such men lived."
-Gen. George S. Patton

While I'm not sure I agree with the first part of that quote, the second half is spot on. I can't say I had the good fortune to know Magnus personally, but from his posts I learned he was an individual who genuinely cared for those around him, and they are better for having known him. Rather than wallow in dispair over his diagnosis, he faced it with his head held high and determined he would use his remaining time to live rather than simply exist...something not often found even in people twice his age. He was determined to make the best of whatever came his way and make life better for those he cared about. This, not how long one has been on the planet, is the true measure of a man.

Rest in peace, for your chains have been cast off. May God grant you eternal joy in His kingdom, and peace to those you leave behind. May they be comforted in the knowledge that you are free from all suffering and are forever in the Father's keeping, and may the mark you left on their lives be an inspiration to all.

[Chiikaboom]

I've been a complete mess hearing about this after I got home from work. I've known Zetzu for such a long time, yet I never talked to him as much as I should have. I will always regret that.

But he's in a better place now and he isn't suffering anymore. I think i'll be able to get through this just by knowing that.

RIP Zetzu, I will never forget you.

[alchemymini]

Magnus was an amazing man. I remember the times me and him talked and I have never met a more honest person. We talked about life, love, and a whole lot of other things like grilled cheese sandwiches and his cancer..I was very happy to have gotten to know him even a little. I regret not being able to talk to him recently. It kills me. I look back and I missed a call from him in December and then things got hectic and I never got to speak to him again after a small text conversation in January..I regret it. I wish I had thanked him for what he taught me and the talks we had. I only knew him a couple months and he still touched my life as he touched many others. I miss him. Im just happy to know he didnt have to suffer anymore..Rest in peace, Magnus.

"And if you were with me tonight I'd sing to you just one more time A song for a heart so big God wouldn't let it live May angels lead you in"

[Overture]

Magnus. A truly amazing editor, and an even greater person. I'm really gonna miss you dude. I'm sorry i wasn't online more to talk to you these last couple of months. I know you bugged me to come on more to talk, and i really regret not trying harder to do so. Your AMV's are the reason i got into this hobby. You were my biggest inspiration and eventually became a great friend. You may have been a little cocky, but i couldn't argue against any of it. And yes, your hair was wicked awsm too You deserved to be here with us so much longer, and i really wish you were. But amazingly, for the short time you were here...you touched and impacted so much more people than most do in a lifetime. You're amazing dude<3...and so is your hair And really man? you'd make me crawl out of my hole JUST to tell me your playing with your hair and how awesome it looks? Pfffft!
Dude, what can i say other then...you were always my biggest inspiration. When i would try to help others with their editing, id always link them to a bunch of YOUR videos and go into fan boy mode saying... be like that... edit like this...see what he did there? haha. I'll never forget you man. Your strength, your optimism, your passion, your ridiculous and contagious sense of humor, ill miss all of it. Thank you for being a part of my life, and It's a part i will cherish forever. ill miss you Magnus<3 Rest in Peace.
-Daniel