Funny Convos

[wurpess]

Convos with husband, that just came to mind:

(After much tequila)
Me: I don't know what it is about tequila. It affects me more than any alcohol.
Immorrel: Damn cactuses!
Me: Yeah, the perils of the desert. The cactuses, the heat, the sand, the iguanas.
Immorrel: Watch out for Keith!



(The night before we were supposed to move. It was the last chance I had to see a friend of mine before we left)
Immorrel: So is he coming over?
Me: He said he was going to try, but his car battery died.
Immorrel: That sucks.
Me: Yeah, but I offered to jump him.
Immorrel: Well!
Me: Not like that!


(The other day, while driving down the road)
Immorrel: Brains. . .
Me: I have issues with mine a lot.
Immorrel: I know. And I married you anyway.
Me: I must be one hell of a cook!

[Monitor Zombie]

AHA! I found the old text document I was keeping where I wrote down all of my funny convos.

Josh: Yeah, let me just pull that money outta my ass… Cuz that’s where I keep my thousands. Not in a bank. No. I keep it in my rectum.
-Everyone in hearing distance stares-
MoZ: Well, that certainly generates more interest.

MoZ: -Sniff Sniff- I suddenly –SNIFF- smell fabric softener or something…
Josh: Well… Maybe you’re having a stroke.
MoZ: Do people smell things when they’re having strokes?
Josh: -Sounds unsure- Sometimes…?
MoZ: So, it’s like different strokes for different folks?

Sio: I find it difficult to stand still while I’m dancing.
-Car is silent for a long moment-
MoZ: …Most people do…
Sio: Huh?
MoZ: ‘You find it difficult to stand still while dancing’… Most people do.
-Jen, Gary, Sio and MoZ all crack up-
Sio: -Indignant- I MEANT singing.

Josh: Are you going to emote at me now?
MoZ: What? No.
Josh: Oh thank god.
MoZ: Why?
Josh: You were making eyes like you were about to cry and I can’t deal with that right now
-Gestures at hot glue gun-
I’m in the middle of a project.

Amanda: So, when are you gonna give my hairspray and paprika back?
Jen and MoZ: … -Glance at each other with uncomprehending stare-
Jen: Hairspray and paprika?
Amanda: Yeah. Y’know. The DVDs.

-Looking at station list for satellite radio-
MoZ: Channel 94 is 'Quebec Pop/Rock'? Specifically Quebec?
Jay: Yeah, I bet it’s all Spanish stuff.
-Ray and Moz stare for a moment before talking simultaneously-
MoZ: … SPANISH?! Ray: … Y’mean French?
-All three crack up-
MoZ: God, Jay! When was the last time you looked at a map?

MoZ: Ug, If I ever get to the point where people are calling me Dr. I’m going to shoot myself.
Jen: -Snickers- Dr. Mackenzie Hayes! … Why did I just say that?
MoZ: What? Hayes?
Jen: Yeah…
MoZ: … Cuz It’s my last name.
Jen: Is it?

MoZ: That’s just slightly awesome.
Josh: You’re just… yeah.. no.

MoZ: That's what we should do. We should find a three apartment bedroom and all live together.
Josh: I don’t think so.
MoZ: Why not? I think you two’d get along.
Josh: Tell you what. You find a three apartment bedroom on Craigslist and we’ll talk.

-Dead silence in the car, MoZ is driving by a brick building and assumes it’s a school or something-
MoZ: (Thinking: God that’s ugly. It looks like a frikkin prison.)
-Drives past a barbed wire fenced area and a prison sign-
MoZ: -GAH- I was just being sarcastic! I didn’t mean it!
-Jen and Gary are startled-
J: Um, What? G: Did I miss something?

MoZ: I love this car… I’ve even got an eject button.
J: You do not. Ejection seats don’t exist.
MoZ: Yeah, they do! Didn’t you see that episode of Mythbusters? –Points- See? That’s it right there labeled “EJT”.
J: So… What’s it really do?
MoZ: I have no idea. I didn’t want to ruin my fantasy… or accidentally activate it, so I’ve never pressed it.
J: Kenz! You’ve had this car for over 4 years!
MoZ: Yeah…?
J: So. Let’s press it now.
MoZ: Go ahead. I’m sure it’s probably for ejecting irritating passengers anyways.
-Josh stares at the button. He reaches his arm out and hovers over the button for a long moment but pulls his arm back-
J: Yeah, that’s ok. I’m good.

MoZ: So did you take me off Tuesday’s schedule?
J: No… There’s no one else to take it. So, your anime… Power Rangers… morphing… robot morphers will just have to wait.
MoZ: -Whines- …but… We morph… Without me the megamorph is incomplete. They can’t do it without me!
J: … -Looks smug-
MoZ: -Pouts- OK Fine! But when evil takes over the world, it’s your fault. –GASP, points at J horrified- But that’s exactly what you want isn’t it. You’re the evil overlord we’re fighting, aren’t you?!
J: -Walks away laughing maniacally- BWAHAHAHAHA…!
-Several Hours Later-
-I tell J that I can't hang out because I'm busy after work-
J: Why? Where are you going tonight? Are the anime morphing… robot… fighting… beetle rangers planning to fight evil tonight? Is that your plan? Are you going to defend the planet X… of the YZ galasy… galaxy… the Galasy Galaxy… to rescue the chocolate children?... Who are melting because the sun is so close… so they’re planning to cover the universe with a sugary coating… -Trails off-
MoZ: -GASP- How did you...?! You really are the evil we have sworn to fight! How else would you know so much?!
J: Well DUH! I’m the only one you know with a ray gun big enough to move the sun of the planet X of the YZ Galasy Galaxy.

-MoZ is looking at list of soups-
MoZ: Hey, Tamie? What are the soups today?
T: What does the sheet say?
MoZ: Well… It says Lobster Bisque, only the letters are out of order, Lobster doesn’t have a T and I’m pretty sure Bisque shouldn’t have 2 U’s. I just wanted to check because I don’t think the customers’d know what I was talking about if I told them that we had Losber Busque today.

Josh – The Failboat was just… full steam ahead.
Josh – Let me just get my hanky and… [Waves invisible hanky] Bon voyage, Failboat.

MoZ – That’s cuz she’s retarded… -Talks to cat- Aren’t you? You’re a retarded old lady.
Josh – Well, you know what they say…
MoZ - … … … If that’s true you have aids.
Josh - … At least I’m not retarded.

To those of you who aren't as psychic as Josh and I this conversation actually went something like this...
MoZ – That’s cuz she’s retarded… -Talks to cat- Aren’t you? You’re a retarded old lady.
Josh – Well, you know what they say… (Pets are like their owners.)
MoZ - … … … If that’s true you have aids. (Because your cat is FIV positive.)
Josh - … At least I’m not retarded.

Jen - Wait, what was the question?
MoZ - What question? There was no question.
Jen - Yes there was. You asked me a question.
Moz -Thinks back and vaguely remembers asking a question about which turn to take- You already answered it.
Jen - Oh... Well what was my answer.

[Moonlight Soldier]

Overheard in my newsroom.

D editing story about new porn channel: I wonder if this will have any hard-hitting documentaries.
S: I dunno, they really pound that into you.
Sports editor walking by: I hope that channel doesn't blow.
D: Nah, but it'll probably suck.
Sports editor: They should really think outside the box.


...

And like an hour later.

News editor: Sorry D I've got to replace that porn story with hard news.

[Magnus]

Overheard in my newsroom.

D editing story about new porn channel: I wonder if this will have any hard-hitting documentaries.
S: I dunno, they really pound that into you.
Sports editor walking by: I hope that channel doesn't blow.
D: Nah, but it'll probably suck.
Sports editor: They should really think outside the box.


...

And like an hour later.

News editor: Sorry D I've got to replace that porn story with hard news.

LOL

[ZephyrStar]

Client: naaaah, I'm not really feeling the colors here...can we try a dark teal as the background?
Me: sure. *click click*
Client: MUCH better, I'm loving this already. That yellow text is a little too forceful though.
Client: Hmmmm.....
Me: I don't know, I sortof like it, but maybe a gold?
Client: Can we make all the text dark teal too?
Me: *blank stare*
Me: Uh, not advisable...
Client: Why?

[McDirty]

So I was bored and decided to search for funny conversations online...
...well it didn't take me long before I saw a conversation from a long time ago made by someone familiar:

<godix> Well, I know my NES was picky, if you didn't touch it in the right way it wouldn't let you play anything at all. Kinda like a woman actually...
<Aqua|Editing> I thought it was more like a man, because it wouldn't work unless you blew it.

[Prodigi]

Cal: i just had a brainwave as to how we can decide quickly and easily which staff can take annual leave
Cal: every staff member is given a Siamese Fighting Fish
Cal: do you see where this is going?
Colleague #1: a fish cook-off?
Colleague #2: they hide the fish in 1 hand, and we choose their left or right hand and whoever we guess correctly first gets annual leave?
Cal: In my New World Order my fish will kill you both
Cal: Then THE WORLD
Cal: Assholes.

[Monitor Zombie]

Sio: Oooh! Kenz, is that Josh on the phone?
MoZ: Yeah.
Sio: Tell him I said 'Hi, Josh!!'
Moz:-Into phone- Josh says Siobhan.
Sio: What the fuck?
MoZ: Siobhan says 'Hi, Josh.'

[Otohiko]

‎(lecturing my class today)
me: ...you can start by thinking about the composition of your audience very generally - their age, education, and sex level.
(class stares)
me: ...did I just say...?
(hilarity ensues)

[Magnus]

Not really a convo.. but well sorta.

Me: In the summer of 2010, I survived cancer
Neverend: In 2010 i made a cancer sick person run on the treadmill in beliefs "I think he needs to fart"...

true story.