Funny Convos

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Prodigi
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Re: Funny Convos

Post by Prodigi » Wed Jun 30, 2010 1:47 am

Seth: What would happen if you named a variable 'Rape' in VBA?
Cal: Guess it brings a whole new meaning to 'object invalid'.

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guy07
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Re: Funny Convos

Post by guy07 » Wed Jun 30, 2010 7:41 pm

I was watching Karate Kid in the theater and there's one scene where he's marking his height, and one of the marks says "when dad died" then my friend Dave turns to me and says"Holly shit ... Will Smith's dead?!"
I thought it was hilarious and ended up laughing for like 2 minutes solid.

Prodigi
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Re: Funny Convos

Post by Prodigi » Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:02 am

Tim: if i die bury me upside down so the whole world can kiss my ass.
Cal: but then if a tree grows above you the roots would grow into your ass.
Cal: raped by a tree
Karl: You like to get to the root of the problem.
Cal: Rooted.

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CodeZTM
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Re: Funny Convos

Post by CodeZTM » Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:30 am

Text messages I just had with a friend not 10 minutes ago.

Me: Where's Ryan at?
Friend: He's out beating his dog.
Me: ...
Friend: Uh..
Me: PLEASE tell me you mean he's committing animal cruelty, or I really need to reconsider my taste in friends.
Friend: Reconsider.
Me: Asshole.
Friend: Sorry, I'm not into that.
Me: At least without a YOUKNOWWHAT involved.
Friend: LOL.BUTTSECKZ.

I love my friends [platonically]. <3

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SQ
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Re: Funny Convos

Post by SQ » Fri Jul 09, 2010 10:17 am

In the military, calling my mom over the phone to look through this box to send me a book. Keep in mind I'm 22.

Me: Did you find it yet?
Mom: No. This isn't a thin magazine, right? Because I threw that out.
Me: You threw out what?
Mom: Scarlet letters or something. It was porn. I won't have porn in my house.
Me: YOU THREW OUT MY PORN?!
Mom: Well I'm certainly not sending it to you.
Me: I don't need you to send it, but it was mine, how could you throw out my porn??
Mom: I won't have porn in my house.
Me: But it wasn't even pictures! It was text! YOU THREW OUT MY PORN.
Mom: The cover was sultry enough. It's sitting in your trashcan now. And I'm not taking it out.
Me: Okay, fine, whatever. Just don't throw away my other book, that's my porn comic.
Mom: The one with the girl and the whips on the cover? In a Metal Web?
Me: Yes. (realization) NO WAIT NO. FORGET I SAID ANYTHING.
Mom: (Deep sigh)
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godix
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Re: Funny Convos

Post by godix » Fri Jul 09, 2010 2:40 pm

Went to a restaurant last night. At the table are my friends Marshall and Heather who are dating and my wife/ex-wife/soon to be ex-wife/whatever Cat.

Cat: Are we doing anything after eating?
Me: We can go back to their house and have a wild orgy. I call top.
Marshall: I don't know what you're talking about. Heather and I just have a hearty handshake then go to sleep.
Me: Fine, it'll just be me and the two women. I'm up to the job
Cat: I am not helping you have sex with another woman!
Me: So it's just Heather and me then. You two can watch a movie or something. Try to ignore the banging and loud moaning.
*Heather is laughing to much to say anything, but she is shaking her head no*
Me: Fine, fine. It'll just be me, a google search for 'barely legal pussy', and my hand. Jesus, you guys are boring.
Cat: You know, we are still legally married...
Heather: From a foursome to masturbation in 20 seconds. Way to go.
Me: Don't mind me, I was just trying to see if I could piss off all three of you with just one sentence.
Marshall: No, but the waitress overheard you and I don't think she'll be coming back to the table.
*Cat hits me*
Cat: Dammit Robert, I wanted a refill.
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SQ
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Re: Funny Convos

Post by SQ » Fri Jul 09, 2010 4:06 pm

At a bar. The sad thing is, I'm completely sober.

Me: Want to feel my screw?
Corey: What?
Me: I have screws in my face. Wanna feel one of them?
Corey: You have screws... Why?
Me: Jaw surgery. Feeeeel! (puts finger to nose area) Put your finger here!
(Corey feels my screw, then pulls away kind of freaked out)
Corey: Oh! Ew. ... Do you set off the metal detectors? Like at the airport?
Me: No. It's medical metal or something. But my X-ray lights up like a christmas tree. You should see my dental record.

(We get into some detailed conversation about magnetism; he tries to convince me to stick a magnet to my face later. At some point I give in)

Corey: You could always ask the bartender [for a magnet].
Me: Okay, fine. [Bartender]! Hey, do you have a magnet?
(small conversation on how weird a request that is, but she eventually gives us this weird magnet that's the size and shape of a piece of paper)
Bartender: Here, just don't break it or anything. I know it's kind of a thin magnet...
Corey: That is the weirdest magnet I've ever seen.
Me: I think it might be too weak...

(eventually I hold this huge magnet up to my face and look like a total retard)
Bartender: Hey what're you doing?? Wait so I can see!

----

Ah, similar to the above situation. I'm a bit of a shut in and my roommate who I hardly know convinces me to go to the bar with her. I pound back drinks and I am astounded at how I'm not hammered yet, but then I begin to feel it.

We somehow end up talking about porn sites, then it evolves into shock sites. Somewhere in between blue waffle and some site I'd never heard of that had to do with a jar and a man's asshole, I stand up, slap my hands on the table and say, "Well, I like to get drunk and go home. I'm drunk, so I'm going home."
Then I turned around and actually went home. :rofl:
I'd never done anything like that prior to that night.

-----

Oh! This was right before boot camp. I, Will, and Mark go to this party that doubled as my going away party. I didn't want to get drunk there but they had (of course) spiked the punch. We were all pretty drunk, and near the middle of the night Mark and Will start debating over who's going to be the designated driver (DD) and spend the rest of the night sobering up.

Will: Allright, let's rock paper scissors for it. Best two our of three?
Mark: Okay.

(I watch as they keep tying. By their third or fourth match, I walk over to them, complete with beverage in hand and go..)

Me: Ha, I think it's funny you guys assume I can't drive at all.
Will: HA CONGRATS YOU'RE DD!
Me: ....Damnit.

I spent the rest of the night chugging water and when it came time to drive them home I was still drunk, but substantially less drunk than Will. Mark puked out the window the entire trip home and we had to carry him inside of the apartment because he couldn't walk. xP
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CodeZTM
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Re: Funny Convos

Post by CodeZTM » Fri Jul 09, 2010 4:22 pm

I really worry about my friends.

Friend: My girlfriend has gone over to the dark side...
Me: Team Jacob?
Friend: Worse. TEAM EDWARD.
Me: Derp. Sorry dude.
Friend: I WILL NOT PUT GLITTER GEL ON.
Me: At least she's not a pedo grandma on Burger King.
Friend: Damn Edward and Jacob. Pedophile and a damn cradle robber. >:X
Me: Just go disable her car and tell her she can't go out with her friends. THATS HOW YOU TELL WOMEN YOU LOVE THEM.
Friend: No, I just gotta kill Robert Patterson. This will fix everything.
Me: While you're in Hollywood, could you whack Jack Black too?
Me: Oshi.
Friend: That's going on facebook dude.
Me: DAMN YOU TWILIGHT.

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JaddziaDax
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Re: Funny Convos

Post by JaddziaDax » Sat Jul 10, 2010 1:47 pm

Aww, Robert Pattinson hates Twilight too... he only auditioned to hit on Kristen Stewart, and he's only continuing for the money...

Whenever I get into a convo about Twilight, it usually goes in the same direction - or I end up ranting and raving O.o

Prodigi
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Re: Funny Convos

Post by Prodigi » Thu Jul 15, 2010 10:09 pm

So. Picture this. We're in the boardroom at work having a meeting. I'm running part of the meeting going over a few key points. I get halfway through mine to a bit that my old boss Tim really needs to go over rather than me.

Cal: (blah, blah, blah) and for the next bit it probably be easier if Tim covers it.
/points emphatically at Tim
All the lights in the room suddenly go dark
Tim speaks in the darkness
Tim: Point at me again and I'll strike you with lightning this time.

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