grieving

downwithpants · Post by **downwithpants** » Mon Jun 25, 2007 12:00 pm

how long do you feel grief when a close one dies? whom and how long would you mourn for most and longest? family? friends? pets? how do you deal with it?

i haven't had many close ones leave me fortunately. my closest was my dog Star, who i had for eight years from when i was six to fourteen. as i recall i was in deep grief, like constantly felt a hurt/sad feeling for a bit under a week. then for like 2 months, the feeling faded, but I'd still think about her pretty often. i suppose the thing that best made me feel better was knowing that she had a happy and pampered life and everyone spoiled her.

but other than that, i haven't had such a heavy grieving process. my grandfather led a long and (what i consider) successful life when he passed on, and i've lost a couple of not-so-close friends that i felt sorrow about, but not something that consumed me.

my cat Smokey will be likely to go in the next few years. she's 12 now and the longest i've had a pet, so i know i will be pretty distraught when she goes. and i've thought about it and tried hugging her as much as i can when i go back to parents' home where Smokey is.

i think i'd be most devastated when my mom dies. strangely enough, i've had dreams where she dies and they are the worst ones i have (well, most relieving to wake up from.) literally, i would lose some meaning to my life, if she died, because many things i do and decisions i make, i do with her in mind, considering how she would judge my decisions/actions. i think i'd be completely withdrawn and dysfunctional for a month or more, then go into a duller constant pain for maybe a year or more. my sister and closest friends would be the next most hurtful. i might be able recover a bit sooner, but would probably go through the same processes of social withdrawal and dulled pain.

JaddziaDax · Post by **JaddziaDax** » Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:28 pm

I've had too many people close to me die, for me its either wallow or move on... so i do the only thing i can do: move on, it might sound jaded but thats how life goes... life will go on so i might as well go on as well

also, because if i dont then i will be caught in misery forever, and i dont ever want to fall into that kind of depression again :/

Ayanefan · Post by **Ayanefan** » Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:44 pm

My mom passed away in '99, we were in the hospital in the room when she died (cancer), everyone was pretty much crying except for (of course) me. Sometimes I wonder how come people grieve so much after a loved one passes away, even 10 years later some have guilt that paralizes them.

I didn't grieve much, I pretty much said that I loved my mom very much and that I have great memories of her. At the wake I was one of the few smiling persons there greeting her friends and exchanging some pleasantries. From what I've seen, people grieve for very selfish reasons.

Ayanefan · Post by **Ayanefan** » Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:46 pm

ayanefan wrote:My mom passed away in '99, we were in the hospital in the room when she died (cancer), everyone was pretty much crying except for (of course) me. Sometimes I wonder how come people grieve so much after a loved one passes away, even 10 years later some have guilt that paralizes them.

I didn't grieve much, I pretty much said that I loved my mom very much and that I have great memories of her. At the wake I was one of the few smiling persons there greeting her friends and exchanging some pleasantries. From what I've seen, people grieve for very selfish reasons.

Sorry, just to add on, I think I'd be a total wreck if one of my children died.

Org Profile · Post by **Otohiko** » Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:47 pm

I haven't had anyone die. I always feel horrible/awkward when someone else loses someone and I have nothing to say to them and no way to really sympathise.

That said, my grandmother has not been well for the past couple of years. As some might remember, I went to Russia last year mainly to look after her for a while. (I would do this again if I could afford to

). It was quite sad actually since in a way that is also quite a loss by now; she was a really active, intellectually-sharp and opinionated person for most of her life and as long as I knew her, but now she can hardly leave the house (which I know feels terrible to her), and her dementia is advanced far enough that she can't really be intellectually-involved with anything either (not to mention it's very hard to talk to her). I always wanted to go back to Russia and see her after I left, but when I came back I quickly realized that I was too late in a way. What was a big relief to me is that she was still absolutely happy to see me and very thankful for what I did for her that summer. I honestly consider looking after her the most worthwhile thing I did in my life so far. I hope I have a chance to do that one more time before she goes. I know I'll be sad but, really, as with all my grandparents... they lived a very goood, if very difficult life, and I think all of them should have few regrets. It is sad what age does to some people, though.

As far as someone of a younger age passing away... god forbid, that's all I can say! I honestly have no idea how I'd react.

Minion · Post by **Minion** » Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:48 pm

i can count on one hand how many human deaths i've cried over. (guess i should exclude pets all together)
i'm not saying i don't feel sad for the others.
maybe it's just cause i'm still young and havn't had enough very close people around me die.

of the ones i cared alot about i have things to remind me of them.
i have a dolphin necklace hanging from the mirror in my car - my aunt who died of cancer was found of them.

i'll make a post for pets if the topic sways that way

Org Profile · Post by **Otohiko** » Mon Jun 25, 2007 1:50 pm

ayanefan wrote:Sometimes I wonder how come people grieve so much after a loved one passes away, even 10 years later some have guilt that paralizes them.

That's what really frightens me. I like to think that I would not let something like that 'get' me, but I know that's not how it really works, and if there's anything I'm afraid of - it's being 'paralyzed' like that and unable to function properly. I'm more afraid of that than I am of dying, I think

I've known several people who went through it like that. It's pretty hard. I know my mom's friend was really out-of-function for 3 years after her mother died, even if her mother wasn't all that young.

JaddziaDax · Post by **JaddziaDax** » Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:00 pm

the only way you will be stuck in a depression for 10 years is if you allow yourself to be stuck in it...

Shazzy · Post by **Shazzy** » Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:03 pm

Otohiko wrote:I haven't had anyone die. I always feel horrible/awkward when someone else loses someone and I have nothing to say to them and no way to really sympathise.

Same..

I've had relatives die, but my family moved 2000 miles away from the rest of the family. I hardly knew any of them.

I cried for a week straight when my cat (which I'd had for seven years) died. I think part of it was I saw him get hit by a car. His skull was smashed and his brains and eyes were spread all over the street. I was home alone and ended up shoveling his body off the street into a box.

CodeZTM · Post by **CodeZTM** » Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:57 pm

Well, I've lost three people in the last three months whom I have known since I was 5. They were all my mentors, and all related to me. I've also lost a friend in my school due to drinking and driving. Two others in my class are comatose, getting hit by a Diesel Truck going full speed. So this hasn't been the best year of my life.

How I cope: I just kind of turn myself off. I get into a state that makes me basically not feeling anything. Remorse, happiness, sadness, greif, whatever. I also tend to read alot during this period of time, and turn quiet. Then about a month later, I'll turn myself back on and return to my normal obnoxious, loud self.