Something I wonder about

[godix]

This has been bugging me for years. Now we all know that Mary was a virgin when she conceived Jesus. Or at least that was her story and Joseph bought it. I figure he's the one that should be most concerned about it so if he thinks she was a virgin fine by me, who am I to second guess? Anyway, what I've wondered about is was Mary a virgin when she gave birth? Now I know the term is 'virgin birth' but really what that story talks about is conception not birth. The bible just doesn't say really. Mary and Joseph were recently married, I think it's possible that sometime after conception that Joe was banging away at Mary. Which leads me to the question, what did Jesus think of that? Imagine you're the son of god and you're all cozy in your womb. You've finally gotten your shit spread out like you want. The rosaries over there by the uterus. Your copy of the Torah carefully put away so it won't get caught up in the umbilical cord. And, of course, a crucifix hanging by the kidneys because god can be a sadistic fucker sometimes who loves to remind you of what's in store for you. But you're Jesus, you can deal. That shit don't bother you. You lean back, punch mommy in the stomach a few times, and try to catch some shuteye.

Then along comes thing huge fucking dick pounding away making a mess of everything. And you're sitting there thinking 'Hey, what the hell? Knock that shit off. I'm trying to get some sleep here. OUCH! That was my fucking eye! You bastard. Go fuck the goats in the manger and leave me the hell alone. You're pissing me off here. My soft spot! Son of a bitch. I'll make you a fucking leper, I swear to my dad. You think I can't do it? If I can heal that crap I can cause it!'

Meanwhile picture poor Joseph. He's enjoying getting some pussy, FINALLY. He had to put up with a lot here. His wife gets knocked up by someone else yet she still pulls that 'You're my first. Honest.' crap. You gotta go wandering around the entire fucking middle east with this knocked up whore and her donkey. And to top it all off the damned Super 8 was booked up so you're sleep with a cow. Oh yeah, in addition to sleep with Mary you're also sleeping in a barnyard. So you're finally getting a piece of ass cause you deserve it. And your like 'huff huff huff' *POP* 'Oh shit. Did my dick just fall off? Motherfucker. No, no don't worry about it Mary. I'll get it out' and you reach down and grab the end of your now detachable penis and pulling for all your worth. But the thing just won't come out. You even try spreading Mary and using a pair of pliers to get a good grip on it. It probably doesn't help that she's moaning and grunting like she's into this either. Eventually you figure fuck it. Let the damned thing rot in her.

9 months later Jesus pops out and he's got a huge dick shaped dent in his forehead. But that's not all that bad, it just helps explain some of the weirder parables Jesus used and shit. No, the bad part is Jesus has a hold of the dick and is waving it around like Groucho Marx with a cigar. "Hey, you bet your life. Lady, I love my dick, too, but I take it out once in a while" Clearly there's some sexual issues at play which probably explains why his adult life is constantly spent around thirteen men and almost no women.

Thoughts like this are what got me kicked out of Sunday school.

[Otohiko]

DADA HAS ALWAYS EXISTED
THE HOLY VIRGIN WAS ALREADY A DADAIST

DADA IS NEVER RIGHT

[Orwell]

Interesting thoughts, I've actually begun slowly reading the bible myself. My conclusions so far from genesis is that man is meant to be a vegan, your erection is really a rib that's been misplaced, and that if you have sex with sheep, your actually fucking your mother. Me and Oto have concluded therefore that NZ is the most devout place in the world.

Serious question: Is the virgin mary story actually in the bible?

[Arigatomina]

Serious question: Is the virgin mary story actually in the bible?

Sure. Try Luke 1:26-56.

When people tell the story they tend to refer to Timothy, Mathew, Leviticus, and Deuteronomy, too. But I think Luke's the one with the "you're going to be fertilized by a spirit" story.

[slackergirl]

yep, that's Luke for ya. And to directly answer your question, godix, refer to Matthew 1:18-25.

Of especial relevance to the discussion is Matthew 1:25, "He had no relations with her until she bore a son, and he named him Jesus."

As to what happened after that, the Bible does not specify.

[RolltheStampede]

@Godix
Wow, just WOW

Stop thinking so much and make some videos

[madbunny]

This has been bugging me for years.

It turns out that there are answers to your demented rambling.
Those answers, are called Apocrypha

They are essentially some of the parts that the catholic church decided to leave out of the bible. Some of them talk about the childhood of Jesus.
http://www.gospels.net/translations/inf ... ation.html

(1) The son of Annas the scribe was standing there with Jesus. Taking a branch from a willow tree, he dispersed the waters which Jesus had gathered. (2) When Jesus saw what had happened, he became angry and said to him, "You godless, brainless moron, what did the ponds and waters do to you? Watch this now: you are going to dry up like a tree and you will never produce leaves or roots or fruit."

(3) And immediately, this child withered up completely. Then, Jesus departed and returned to Joseph's house. (4) The parents of the one who had been withered up, however, wailed for their young child as they took his remains away. Then, they went to Joseph and accused him, "You are responsible for the child who did this."

Ouch. When Jesus wants your lunch money, you give him your lunch money.

[SilversLightning]

that stuff they left out makes me wanna worship him

weirdly Jesus isn't his real name...Jesus is what came about after being translated through 5 or 6 languages. His name started out as Yahshua...so a better english translation would be Joshua :/

[SilversLightning]

and I meant to say more after worship :/

[Kitsuner]

If it took Jesus three days to rise, Mary Magdalene must not have been very hot.