This has been bugging me for years. Now we all know that Mary was a virgin when she conceived Jesus. Or at least that was her story and Joseph bought it. I figure he's the one that should be most concerned about it so if he thinks she was a virgin fine by me, who am I to second guess? Anyway, what I've wondered about is was Mary a virgin when she gave birth? Now I know the term is 'virgin birth' but really what that story talks about is conception not birth. The bible just doesn't say really. Mary and Joseph were recently married, I think it's possible that sometime after conception that Joe was banging away at Mary. Which leads me to the question, what did Jesus think of that? Imagine you're the son of god and you're all cozy in your womb. You've finally gotten your shit spread out like you want. The rosaries over there by the uterus. Your copy of the Torah carefully put away so it won't get caught up in the umbilical cord. And, of course, a crucifix hanging by the kidneys because god can be a sadistic fucker sometimes who loves to remind you of what's in store for you. But you're Jesus, you can deal. That shit don't bother you. You lean back, punch mommy in the stomach a few times, and try to catch some shuteye.
Then along comes thing huge fucking dick pounding away making a mess of everything. And you're sitting there thinking 'Hey, what the hell? Knock that shit off. I'm trying to get some sleep here. OUCH! That was my fucking eye! You bastard. Go fuck the goats in the manger and leave me the hell alone. You're pissing me off here. My soft spot! Son of a bitch. I'll make you a fucking leper, I swear to my dad. You think I can't do it? If I can heal that crap I can cause it!'
Meanwhile picture poor Joseph. He's enjoying getting some pussy, FINALLY. He had to put up with a lot here. His wife gets knocked up by someone else yet she still pulls that 'You're my first. Honest.' crap. You gotta go wandering around the entire fucking middle east with this knocked up whore and her donkey. And to top it all off the damned Super 8 was booked up so you're sleep with a cow. Oh yeah, in addition to sleep with Mary you're also sleeping in a barnyard. So you're finally getting a piece of ass cause you deserve it. And your like 'huff huff huff' *POP* 'Oh shit. Did my dick just fall off? Motherfucker. No, no don't worry about it Mary. I'll get it out' and you reach down and grab the end of your now detachable penis and pulling for all your worth. But the thing just won't come out. You even try spreading Mary and using a pair of pliers to get a good grip on it. It probably doesn't help that she's moaning and grunting like she's into this either. Eventually you figure fuck it. Let the damned thing rot in her.
9 months later Jesus pops out and he's got a huge dick shaped dent in his forehead. But that's not all that bad, it just helps explain some of the weirder parables Jesus used and shit. No, the bad part is Jesus has a hold of the dick and is waving it around like Groucho Marx with a cigar. "Hey, you bet your life. Lady, I love my dick, too, but I take it out once in a while" Clearly there's some sexual issues at play which probably explains why his adult life is constantly spent around thirteen men and almost no women.
Thoughts like this are what got me kicked out of Sunday school.





