Post
by Zaiyei » Tue Feb 21, 2012 8:53 pm
I have little right to even post here.
I havent shed a tear since I heard of his death. My eyes have welled up with tears on several occasions but not a single tear fell. I hate myself for it. Simply put. But there's nothing I can do, I can't force myself to cry - I've tried.
It's suffocating.. My chest is tight, my mind is blank. I can only conclude that I'm either in denial or that I'm a cold-hearted jerk who isn't even crying over the loss of one of her closest friends.
I was just talking to him two days ago... It wasn't a long conversation.. but it's just all so unreal. Two days ago.
I still remember a couple weeks ago (a little more than a month?) when he told me he wasn't going to live. He said he only told his close friends. He told me not to be sad, he said he will live his life to the fullest and enjoy it. He said he was prepared to die. Ready to go. All I could do was support him - Pray for him - And that I did.
I wish I was there last night for him. I hate that I wasn't..
I regret so much that I have been too busy this year to have those long VCs that I used to have with him.. Those neverending conversations.. I miss them so much. Just a week ago I finally thought of what I could do for his birthday, what I could make him. I wanted to make him smile..
I remember my first conversation with him. So nervous.. This was like my amv idol: Zetzu. Am I dreaming?! Haha.. He was really friendly.. I still remember he wanted to VC that time and wondered who I was and why he didn't know me yet. It was so fun. He was so easy to talk to.. It just all seemed like a dream.
I remember his AMV "Our Farewell". The AMV of his that hooked me to his editing. I remember in our first conversation we talked about it.
Then we talked more, about random things, he taught me a couple things in editing.. shared with me about his life, his thoughts and ideas, his interests,..
I still remember once he found me on facebook and said "Deb. If there was ever a time I needed someone to talk to, it would be now" and I rushed onto skype, called him, and heard him crying (it was complex emotional problems with a girl that he was close to [long and short of it]).
I still remember.. when he disappeared over the summer of 2010 and how I found out later he was in the hospital from being diagnosed with cancer.
The two years I've known him, he's never failed to present me with a gift for my birthday which always happened to be during the time he was in the hospital (both years).
Magnus, you've done way too much for me - someone so insignificant like me. You do so much for all your friends.. I wish I could've done more for you. I really wanted to..
I can say for all of us, you were an amazing, amazing, friend - a much better one that many of us could have/have been to you.
I hate how you're gone.. You saw it coming, I knew it would come since you told me, and yet it's still so hard to accept. I see your name on skype, I see your YT, I see your org account.. I see it all and tell myself you're gone - but deep inside I know I haven't accepted it.
Just a few weeks ago we were planning your trip to the states.. how we could meet.. how we could hang. I wanted to meet you in person... now I can't.
Im torn. I want to yell at you. I want to give you a big hug. I can't do either. I miss you so much.
Sorry for the ramble. I'm really a wordless mess right now.
-Debbie