I take no responsibility for anything anyone does with the info in this post. If you are banned, and by following what I write in here you will be, then it is not my fault. Don't try blaming me. I do not need your help in getting myself banned, I do a perfectly fine job of that all on my own.
It should be noted that I don't actually intend anyone to follow this guide. It's a fucking joke guys. If you do decide to do this stuff then drop me a message with details, I like a good laugh as much as the next guy.
For most people being an asshole is an impulse decision. They just log in and go for it. Nature granted them the ability of being a dick but they never really do anything with that gift. Now that's fine if you want to be the type of asshole everyone forgets within a week. If instead you want to be the type of asshole that even years later people still go 'Mad Hatter? That guy was a total fucking asshole!' then you need to prepare a plan. Being a prick actually takes a little work, although less work than being nice to people does. So we'll go step by step over what you need to do if you want to truly master your abilities.
The org community these days is centered on two groups: the forums and IRC. There used to be a journal junkie group but they've mostly died off although a few are still around. Other subgroups like studios aren't really centered on the org. Now I'm going to ignore IRC here, primarily because no one cares about the IRC rules. Even the ops violate them on a daily basis. As long as you don't use the word nigger when aesling is around you will probably never get banned from IRC no matter what you say. So for the rest of this guide when I say 'org' read it as meaning 'the org forums'.Part 1
- Who the fuck are you?
The first step is to decide how you will present yourself to others. You are stuck with this choice for as long as your account isn't permabanned so think carefully because this will decide the next week of your online life. Maybe even two weeks if the admins are feeling particularly nice. Now there are a few common archetypes that you can work with and build on. The clueless noob
- In org terms, this is the guy who wants you to give him feedback on his you
tube video. He will ask any and everyone where to download source. This type of user will not only ask questions every member has heard before, he'll ask questions that were answered five minutes ago in the very first topic on the forum. The incomprehensible clueless noob
- a subtype of the above. This user manages to combine all the attributes of the above with the english skills of a first year ESL student. For added fun toss in some elite speak just to make things even more incomprehensible. It's been a couple years now but how many of you remember BlaCk_PeArL_27? The pretentious elitist fuck
- This is the person who will spend five paragraphs discussing the masterful use of negative space (although the real masters of this form will call it Ma) on a typical linkin park Naruto video while questioning the intelligence of anyone who disagrees. If you decide to go this route then you really need a mastery of polysyllable words. If you need a dictionary to understand the joke in the phrase 'eschew obfuscation' then this persona is not for you. The unhelpful helper
- This user many not know the answer to someones questions but that won't stop them. If they see a question asking how to add borders on a 4:3 vid to turn it into 16:9 they'll post the avisynth command but accidentally screw it up so it adds borders to the top and bottom. The nice thing about this persona is that people will actually thank you and it's doubtful you'll ever get banned for this type of thing. On the downside you have to pretend to be nice and there's already quite a few of these on the org. WTF
- If you ever thought posting a picture of Papa Smurf made perfect sense in a topic about the legality of AMV then this is the persona for you. The key is to not just spam random crap, but to specifically target your random crap so there's just enough connection to the discussion that people spend time trying to figure out what you're talking about. The just plain bitter asshole
- Ever read any of my posts? Yeah, that's what I'm talking aboutPart II
- Being a fuckhead with videos and the catalog
Download a video from a well known editor then convert it to a wmv that is at most 10 meg large. It will look absolutely horrible, don't worry, that just means you're doing it right. Now upload it as your own video. A nice touch is to use a video that has massive spoilers in it (EG showing that Spike dies) and not only failing to mark that it has spoilers but list an entirely different anime. Some users won't download videos using anime they haven't seen because they don't want to be spoiled so you have to trick them into it. Replace the audio of your stolen video with sounds of cats fucking, vomiting, fingernails on a chalkboard, people speaking random numbers, country music, or any other annoying sound you can think of. Enter a relatively known and generally liked song into the catalog, although not one on the overused song list. Again, you gotta trick people into it, they won't download it if you tell them what it really is. Give it a title like 'The gratist action vid evar!'
Now it's time to spam all over the forums with ads for your new video. Make sure to post at least one new message pimping it in every single forum available, including the mod dropbox. Necro post in week old topics that have nothing to do with your video. Post in every single announcement topic about how your video is so much better than theirs. Do not include a link to the video or a description of it in any of your posts.
Now most people would call it a good days work and be done. However some who wants to be a real dick is just starting. Now keep in mind that most mods are in North America which means they all sleep around the same time. Generally from the hours of approximately 1 AM to 7 AM no one will be around to stop you. So do all of the above starting around 1 AM. Then around 5 AM it's time to clean up after yourself, in a way that's sure to be even more annoying of course. Go into the 'request deletion of bad video entry' section and ask that the video be deleted because you now realize it was really really bad. Point out how horrible the editing is, how the effects are pointless and inane, about how worthless the video is, and how you regret ever making this video. Also post the same to the forums. Do not post it in any of the threads you've already made of course, instead make a brand new thread. In your new post after insulting 'your' video brag about how much better your new video is, make sure to point out that you spent 2 hours on it so it has to be great. Include a you
tube link, perhaps a rickroll although that's getting rather old by now. Post a reply bitching that for some reason your you
tube link screwed up so here it is again. Post a third time bitching that the link still doesn't work and you think the forums are broken.
Once your account gets banned send constant emails to the admins begging them to unban you. Explain you are new and didn't realize how the site worked. Tell them you have learned the error of your ways. Promise it will never happen again. Claim you realized your mistakes and that's why you tried getting the video deleted. Assuming you're using a new user account they may let you off with just a warning, which leaves you free to do the exact same thing again the following night.
Bonus points if the video you stole was actually made by one of the admins. Part III
- Fucking with forumites
First of all, pay attention to site announcements. You must know what is happening on the site. After all, how else would you know that now is the time to spam posts and PMs everywhere about how you can't upload if you didn't pay attention to what's going on? Since I mentioned it, make a post complaining you can not upload. Refuse to accept the answer given, claim it must be an error on your account or something. Make a brand new account then post with it how even your new account can't upload. Wait a few days then post in the name change thread asking that your new account be changed to the name of your old account. Claim you forgot your old accounts password. Also ask to have an avatar text.
Start a thread about the legality of AMVs. If you decide to argue they are legal claim it's clearly fair use and the courts ruled years ago fair use is fine. If you decide to argue they are illegal make up a story about your brothers friends mothers stepson got a DMCA notice for an AMV and was taken to court and had to pay tens of thousands of dollars in fines then he was jailed and buttraped by Koop. Either way, never ever acknowledge that the entire issue is actually a gray area of the law currently.
Make a you
tube account in a name other than your org name. Upload one of your videos under this account. Complain loudly, lengthy, and frequently that you got ripped off by you
tube. After about the sixth post that has the word you
tube filtered bitch that you're being censored. After that start a whole new topic complaining about how the org refuses to allow you to express yourself properly because they filter your words.
Flame in the announcement forum. Don't flame everything though, no one cares if you flame someone who isn't popular. Hell, most people would probably find you amusing if you do that. Instead look for threads that have three or more pages of gushing replies. Those are the threads made by the popular people and those are the threads to flame. Of note, if your flaming actually has a few valid points buried in it then you may be able to convince the admins that you were just being honest instead of flaming.
As a side note, most of your posts should use curse words. Preferably in the subject.Part IV
- How to fuck up the op system
Your first inclination will be to leave an all 1 op and flame the hell out of someone. Don't. First of all an admin will just delete it and remove your sausage giving abilities and that's the end of that. Second of all, no one really seems to care about blatant flames. Odd I know but years of observation tell me it's true. On the other hand, if you give 'honest' but negative feedback then they care. Tell someone their video sucks warm jizz through a short straw and they shrug, tell them the effects were so over the top they destroyed any entertainment value the video had and you got some Ayumix 2 drama going on. So I hate to say this, but you're going to have to actually watch the video you're leaving an op for. Pick on thing that seems a little bad and focus on it. Harp on it for paragraphs. If your op is shorter than this guide is then you're doing it wrong. Always be mindful you aren't going so over the top they dismiss you, once you start comparing the video to maggots squirming in a festering dog carcass you've probably gone a bit to far. If you play it right you'll not only piss people off but you won't even get in trouble somce the admins will think your comments are 'constructive criticism'.
There are a few other things you can do with the op system as well. No one really seems to mind any of these but they're kinda fun to do anyway. The 'most helpful' list is nothing but a word count on the ops you leave. So write one sentance then cut and paste it until you've filled up the form (yes, it has a length limit although it's absurdly high). I recommend the sentance 'Word count is a moronic way to measure usefulness'. You can also do this to quick comments provided you do not have a carriage return in the quick comment (again, yes, it has a length limit although it's absurdly high). With quick comments it helps to have no spaces either so you can cause a bit of page widening as well.
Play the opinion exchange game. If you do it right you can crack the top 10% with even the shittiest of videos. Do not post your own op exchange thread, you have no control over who replies to it. Instead look at other peoples threads. Then look at their user profile to determine the average score they give, you want to find users with an average given above 9. Offer to exchange with them. Actually leave an op (a 'helpful' one, meaning above 9 in every category and glowing with praise. That way they won't bitch to the admins and no one will catch on to what you're doing). Repeat. It may take awhile but eventually you will get enough high scoring ops to get on the top 10% list. Then you'll get some all 1 ops by people pissed you're on the list and want to knock you off. Report those to the admins and they'll remove them. Think of it, YOU are gaming the system and THEY are the ones getting it trouble. It's fucking perfect. Eventually you'll get some ops with low scores but not low enough they'll get deleted by the admins. At that point post a thread bitching about people who game the op system by intentionally giving low scores. Whine about how the scores weren't deserved.
Alternatively make the biggest piece of shit you possibly can. Turn it into a giant joke to see if it can get on the top 10% list. Make an op exchange offering all 10 ops provided they give your piece of shit video all 10s. Push this hard, play on peoples sense of humor. When you hit #1 brag about it for years.Part V
- Prove you have balls, fuck with the admins
First off if you really want to annoy the admins you have to know who they are and how to get hold of them. Fortunately they were kind enough to put all that info in one place
. You can contact them by emailing the admin account or PMing the person responsible for whatever your issue is. If you look at their profile you'll find many of them have their own websites and with just a bit of stalking you may be able to find a few more email address to use as well. You may also consider logging into the IRC channel since several of the admins/mods are usually there and it adds a certain something to annoy them in real time. I should hope it's obvious that if you're trying to piss them off then you should contact the admins with all of the above methods and why limit yourself to just the person responsible for your issue? Contact every admin with every possible method each time you need to speak with them, for example to try talking your way out of being banned for all the other things you've done.
When discussing banning with the admins keep in mind they are not mindless automons, they are people too. Which means they should respond to being called 'fucktard' just as well as your little brother does. Accuse them of violating your first amendment rights, especially if you aren't an American. If they try using rational thought against you by pointing out the first amendment does not apply to privately owned sites, accuse them of lying. Claim it does apply and that you're a lawyer so you know what you're talking about. Threaten to talk to the EFF, write your local paper, and make a nasty blog post. If that perfectly reasonable line of argument fails to get you unbanned then claim they're gay.
Well, you're banned and you can't talk the admins into unbanning you. What now? First of all make a long drama filled journal entry. At the same time make a username very very similar to a known mod. For example, KaIium (note the capital i). Use their avatar and sig. At this point you can go one of two ways, first you can post something that sounds semi-believable but will get everyone all worked up. For example, make a post in GAMV claiming download privileges are going to switch to being donator only perks. Alternatively just find one of the real admins posts and follow up with 'Ignore that, I suck cock'. It just depends on how subtle you feel like being. There's nothing stopping you from doing both if you feel like it, you can do the cock thing in the thread about downloading being donator only.
Next find a proxy server since by now you'll be IP banned. Make new accounts with names nearly identical to your original username. For example I've long since decided when godix is permabanned the next day there will be a godx through godlvi on the org. Copy your long drama filed journal entry into many new posts. Keep making new posts until your new account is banned, it'll be anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours depending on if a mod is around at the time or not. While doing this log into IRC to brag about what you're doing. Specifically address your bragging to an admin if they happen to be on at the time.
Once your new account is banned, repeat. You'll know you made an impression when Dokidoki writes a script to scramble your posts.Part VI
- The future and how to fuck it all up
Here's where you need to use that long term planning you've learned from hours and hours and hours of WoW conversations about how to beat a boss. You can be a flash in the pan asshole and the site goes on to forget you or you can be a total asshole and kill the site on your way out.
The obvious way to do this is to bring the site down to your level. Talk to the admins, as people not as someone trying to annoy them. Learn where the line is between 'tolerated dickhead' and 'banned asshole'. Live on that line. Then let the fact you're a total asshole and still around filter through the community, they will come to realize they too can be assholes. Soon everyone will start flaming new people the first time they post. Soon using 'fuck' in subjects won't even be worth commenting on. Soon taunting noobs will be the official site entertainment rather than a ban worth offense.
Also gather a circle of friends. Be nice to them, or as nice as you can manage at least. Make clear in your comments that they are the accepted few. Create a sense that someone outside your group is barely worth of your notice much less your time, create an ummm what's the phrase I'm looking for here? Uhh.. Ah! Create an inner circle if you will. You can even go so far as to have all of them move to the same city then you can make pages of posts that only your friends understand. Sure, you could easily talk to your friends in other more convenient ways but then how would everyone not your friend know what a tight knit group you are?
Do this long enough and you will be rewarded by seeing people leave the forums, having few if any new users come in, and the entire site gets a reputation for elitism and dickery. In short, you will have a front row seat to watch a website die.
To be fair, this mostly won't be your fault. Half the org are elitist pricks anyway so they don't need your encouragement to be dicks. But hey, take some of the credit anyway. After all you did contribute to the demise and you didn't do anything to try and correct the problems.